A Controversial Post

Trigger Warning: Themes of sexual violence, and images of dead animals.

I don't know which is more confronting for people. Being called out for sexism or for speciesism. Both are something nobody wants to be accused of, even if it's obvious. Speciesism is more overt and noticeable, e.g. if you say you love animals (meaning cats and dogs) and then you tuck into a nice juicy piece of dead cow... That makes you, under the sociological definition, speciesist.
Sexism is more insidious. This insidiousness can range from incidentally finding it funny that a man is doing some dishes, to deciding a female hunter is worse then male hunters because she is a woman.

Yes, that is what has sparked this post. Kendall Jones. For anyone who doesn't know, she is a young woman from Texas who kills wild animals for sport, but claims it's for "conservation efforts" and to feed "hungry villagers" in African countries. It's all legal because she pays their governments for the permits to do so. She then posts pictures online of her posing next to these dead majestic animals, while beaming a big proud smile. She calls them her trophies.
I will make it clear right now that I am completely against any and all of the killing she does, for whatever reason, and that I think it's sick that she posts pictures of herself on the Internet next to these animals, presenting them as trophies. According to the Internet, the grand majority of people agree.

While I am not especially opposed to her actions more so than I would be if she was a man (and most people on Facebook threads appear to agree) she does cop certain criticisms that men who do the same thing, do not. She has had directed at her anything from rape jokes and death wishers to rape wishers and death threats. Her Facebook post from the 3rd of January, found here (you have to scroll down) illustrates this perfectly. To accompany the photo-montage of people holding up beautiful, and very dead, wild animals, she has stated:

So... Did anybody notice anything different over the last few days? Our friendly little competition drew thousands of pictures, posted by proud hunters taken for pure enjoyment...some in action, some selfies, some with trophies but all posted specifically "to get attention" for our ‪#‎hothunter‬ competition. And, whaddya know! No death threats, no rape jokes, nobody offering $100 grand for nude photos of the proud hunters... none of the normal BS that appears on my page on a daily basis. Hmm I wonder why? Could it be because all the people daring to post photos of themselves were men? It was a lot of fun (congrats Trey!) but there real reason I did this whole competition was to prove that what really pisses off the anti-hunting crowd is not that I hunt, or that I pose with my trophies, or that I'm proud of my achievements...its the fact that I'm a girl and I'm doing those things. Well I'm here to tell you, I'm NEVER going to stop. I'm proud to hunt, proud to cheer, proud to wear makeup, and especially PROUD TO BE ME! ‪#‎therealreason‬ ‪#‎shootlikeagirl‬ ‪#‎provingapoint‬ ‪#‎KJ1hatersnada‬ ‪#‎brainsbeforebeauty‬ ‪#‎will‬ ‪#‎not‬ ‪#‎stop‬ ‪#‎lovetohunt‬

About the special treatment, she is right. The main reason she is so well-known is because she is a woman. I say this knowing that she has deliberately sought fame as a reality TV host. The reason people sat up and took notice is that she is an attractive young woman with a Facebook page. Usually women don't go out and hunt, and document it, and then put it on a Facebook page. The fact that she does has made people go wtf? She defies gender stereotypes and therefore she is even more wrong than the men who do this. I don't think this myself, trust me, but others do - and it has propelled her to infamy. In this thread alone she has received comments such as "Look at me! I'm an attention whore!" and "I hope your mascara doesn't run when a lion is tearing you to shreds". Articles about her are quick to point out that she is a cheerleader. She also receives much more sinister comments like "Let's hunt you for your blonde locks they would look so much better on my head than yours!!" and a statement from a man, that I can't find the quote for (it was probably reported and removed), that suggested if he ever met her he would set his dogs onto her, and then ended with the hashtag "BelieveIt". She also gets rape wishers such as one upstanding citizen who commented "Your kids will be raped by gorillas". One article has even stated that it is a "victory" for Jones that she has managed to have a hate site taken down. It is a victory for a woman to have had a site full of death threats and rape jokes taken down? Wow.


A large number of the people commenting on these threads are also most likely speciesists. Many of them say they too hunt, but are appalled that she hunts endangered species'. Many say they understand her conservation actions, and state that the animals she kills makes it harder for poachers to kill the ones that really matter???? Many people just say it's terrible that she would kill any animals and display them like this; you can bet that a good percentage of these people allow others to kill animals on their behalf so that they themselves can have dinner. 

Tell me again how this is for conservation?

My point is that while her actions are, in my opinion, flat out disgusting, short-sighted, inappropriate, and grandiose - the responses she receives from people are in fact sexist and speciesist, not to mention violent. Many of these people will not reflect back on their own actions while they are pointing out the fatal flaws in hers. I myself display speciesist behaviour - I live with a cat. She eats food with other animals in it. Other people kill and process those animals. I buy that food. When she has fleas I kill them; I make sure I do it with my bare hands by squishing them between my fingers - why? Because if I'm going to kill something I feel I should have direct contact with my actions. This does not mean I'm going to go out and hunt mice, kill them, and bring them back for the cat - no, I too am speciesist on a few levels despite otherwise living as a vegan. I also have some insidious sexist tendencies that I blame on decades of societal programming. For example, sometimes when I see other women I can't help but compare myself to them. In my mind I sometimes say to myself - I'm prettier than her, or oh my god what is she wearing, or man I wish my butt looked that good... I am buying into the very sexism that Capitalism wants me to. So I am far from above reproach. I also display cognitive dissonance by wearing clothes I know were made by overworked underpaid labourers, therefore perpetuating the system that allows that practice to continue. I am not sharing these fun facts about my own bigotry in order to suggest that others' behaviour must be acceptable because I too sometimes behave unethically; I am merely showing that I am no better. Humans kinda suck.

It is interesting though, that people subconsciously assume they can tear somebody to shreds without looking at their own failings, just because that person's values differ, if extremely, from their own. If we are going to solve speciesism and sexism we have to look at how they, among other oppressions, intersect. Sexism, racism, rape, speciesism, transmisogyny, wilful environmental destruction, slavery, ableism, capitalism, libertarianism, and many more things, intersect because they are all acts of violent oppression. One should not be answered by another.

Conclusion: It is not okay to wish rape on a person because they like to kill different animals than you do.

Just one of the images of her and others with their "trophies".
More information on Kendall Jones and her other critics can be found in various places online - I found some of mine here and here.

Life from inside a bubble

 or "A whole bunch of boring crap about me"

Over the last few months I have carefully constructed for myself a small bubble in which to live. I've started a new Facebook profile and tried to keep it to people I really know, who I feel I have enough in common with. This is largely because I've learned a great deal more about intersectionality than I could ever have imagined - so I am a lot more sensitive to all of the oppressions our society perpetuates. This means I can tolerate fewer and fewer people based on their willful ignorance of these issues and their insistence that actually listening to oppressed individuals when they share their lived experiences - and being sensitive to their preferences as humans - is being "PC".
I've become more aware of my introversion, so I have embraced it. I wish I'd known that I was an introvert ten years ago, and that it was okay to be one - I just needed to be alone more often to prevent me from being an asshole! Revelation.
I have taken the step from vegetarianism to veganism - so I find it hard to go out and eat with certain individuals because we have to go to specific places, and they have held this against me and have accused me of preaching. Yep - that led to a friendship break-up.
I have quit drinking for health reasons. I don't really eat cane sugar anymore - also for health reasons.
I have a new life with new friends and I have lost touch with some friends I feel I have little to talk about with anymore. Friends who want to talk about other people instead of issues that are important to us. I just don't want to do that anymore.
I have low tolerance for people who can't meet me halfway now. I can't go the whole way across to them if they are unwilling to even move an inch for me. I just don't have the energy for it.
I have a fun but unstable job that brings with it the illusion of security  because they like me and try to give me lots of work.It's actually casual and on-call, and conditional on me getting a real teaching job very soon. I am so comfortable and overwhelmed by the idea of challenging myself that I am not applying for real jobs.
I've been wrestling with my political ideology and whether or not I can continue helping out the Greens when I am leaning more and more towards calling myself an anarchist. In the party I see more and more careerism and game-playing, popularity contests, power plays and unspoken tensions that shut down issues and silence people - these do not interest me. Political parties are full of this. Our parliamentary system is just an offshoot of Big Corruption.
A lot of vegans are self-righteous dicks.
I am losing my faith in men. I don't want to be objectified or feel self conscious about my body or feel like I have to explain why I don't shave my legs and ask if they "mind". I don't want anyone who does not align with my values. No one is better than just anyone.
I've invested energy in people and causes for so long and given so much emotionally to people and causes, and had this mostly backfire.
I've recognised I suffer from anxiety and that I need complete control over what I do. I cannot be pressured or micromanaged. I cannot work in a group unless I am heard.
I have discovered that I need to do less in order to have energy for even myself.

I have two flatmates who I consider to be my best friends. They let me be all of the above. All of the time. I have never had this kind of community before. We tell each other almost everything. We can admit weakness to each other. We laugh at the same things. We are complete dorks all the time. We have in-jokes. We talk about important issues (and okay, people too - but usually in a constructive way). We build each other up and make sure each of us is feeling valued. We are honest with each other.
We are family.
I never had this kind of relationship growing up. I never had this kind of security. There were times (okay most of the time) where I had no friends at all. I never had in-jokes. I never had a clique. I was always on the outside - but I was trying to get in. I was making an effort to be out there. That is how I managed to make friends from high school to the present day - by connecting with individuals. These individuals were often not in the same group. They were from all over the place. This is why up until now I had never felt like I belonged to a circle. I never completely belonged anywhere. Until now.

The one negative thing about being in a small bubble where I have shut out all that doesn't interest me - is that I have also shut out possibilities and opportunities. I have isolated myself in a comfortable holding pattern.
But I am getting restless.
I love my flatmates and I love my job, don't get me wrong. I am just so used to being that person who has friends from all over the place. I still do have these friends but they mostly live in other cities now. The thing is that while I'm quite introverted and need autonomy, I am also a social animal. I just find my tolerance for bullshit has gone riiiiiiiight down.

So my world has become very small.
I live in a bubble.

This is about why my bubble has gone from being a safe haven to a prison. I now spend too much time alone. The thing I most look forward to most days is escaping to my room at night to watch a movie or read.
I am using my introversion as an excuse to be an asshole. If someone calls me on my abruptness, I acknowledge that Yes - I have a problem with that. It's a known issue and I'm working on it. Truth be told - I am not working very hard on it. My "working on it" consists of me kicking myself every time I realise that I have Done It Again and the promising myself I will try to be more gentle next time. I use the fact that I have anxiety issues to not do much. I call it "looking after myself". I have laziness apologists all around me who insist that "you have to look after yourself". This always feels so dishonest. Whenever I am outside work, all I do is look after myself. It gets comfortable and it's a dangerous place to get stuck.

I think I don't get invited to certain things by certain people anymore because I don't drink and I'm a difficult eater. I think because I have made all of these choices for my life that people feel like I am judging them for not making the same choices. People feel like they have to be defensive when I am around - like I am going to be that holier-then-thou person. This misperception gets in my way a lot. People purposely don't sit with me in the staffroom because they think I can't handle them eating meat. ETC. I actually avoid such topics as veganism with non vegans because I don't want that to happen. I don't want people to feel less than, or judged or like they can't be themselves around me. I'd rather connect than argue.

I have lost touch with friends who are also friends with people I have "ditched" or who have ditched me.

I am being very very lazy and blaming it on feeling overwhelmed. I'm not challenging myself. I'm not branching out. I'm in a hole.

I want to climb out of this hole. I want to admit that I need new friends every few months - in addition to my existing ones. It's just who I am. I want to admit that I actually kinda do want to meet a guy, but I don't want just any guy. I also don't want to look for one. I don't want one that badly, and I certainly don't need one to feel complete! But it would be nice to meet someone I can connect with and share values with. Chick flicks and Romantic Comedies have given me an unrealistic sense of entitlement on this one. Where is he? Oh, that's right - he probably doesn't exist because the universe is vast and uncaring and I am but a mere speck of stardust. Stars by the way are NOT romantic. They are mineral build-ups that are reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaally unbelievably far away - and they die.
Having said all of this, you don't meet people by staying in your house all the time.

Another problem is that I am arrogant and condescending. I am too knee-jerk about things being "right" that I jump on people to correct them. I think it's because that's where my confidence lies - if I know something I will articulate it so that I can feel like I have something to contribute. Something. Even if it is a pain in the ass and alienates people. I'm over this. I really am.

 So from this convoluted mess of a post I can deduce that I have used the word "I" a lot more than is going to be interesting to anyone who is not me.But maybe it will (here I go - gonna be condescending and offer unsolicited advice AGAIN) maybe it will resonate with someone. Even one person. And they will know that this bubble life, while it has its perks, is not a sustainable way of life. Shutting people out has consequences. It might feel easier and more empowering - but it's isolating and limiting and detrimental to one's health in the long run. I'm not going to burst it though - because once you're inside it's really hard to get out. I don't even really know how to connect to people anymore without being offended at language and imagery that is considered normal and is normative.

I will take baby steps. It's all I can do. I will stretch the bubble a bit. Maybe make it a bit bigger. Who knows? The possibilities are actually endless.

Why I Won't Just Play Nice

"Why can't we all just get along?" (Hereby known as WCWAJGA). I see this all the time online and hear it all the time in person. People don't usually explicitly say these words - but something to their effect. Why can't we all just get along?

It seems straightforward enough right? Let's forget our differences and move on and be nice humans because that all feels much nicer. No issues here. Smile and wave. Why are you not smiling and waving? Oh, you're going to continue to not smile and wave - okay - let me shut down this whole thing because it doesn't conform to the image I have of my nice bright shiny world-view. Now, on with my smiling and waving. Oh - so that person you were refusing to smile and wave at has just done something devastating to someone else, but let's just sweep that under the carpet - I'm not even sure if it's even true even. Anyway. I'm still not going to talk to you. You don't play nice.

Life doesn't play nice. There are inequities and oppressions all around us. There is cognitive dissonance ruling our governments and wallets and dinner plates and wardrobes and workplaces and, well, anywhere else you look. Things are nasty out there and in here. It may well feel better to block it all out - how else to we get through our day to day? I block things out all the time just to get through all the things I have to do in life. I focus on good things as much as I can. If you don't, you fall through the cracks and it can be very difficult to grab onto shards to climb back up. They cut as you grab. So, yes - wanting to focus on the good and trying to be decent human beings to one another is very very important. There is a lot of good to be celebrated. The trouble is that some people refuse to engage with the bad things, and go so far as to condemn those who do. That is actually one really good way to make life even worse and more dystopic than it already can be.

It often happens on the Wellington Vegans facebook page - someone posts some nice speech on why it's good to go vegan - I have no issues with this. It's uplifting and at the same time reaffirms our beliefs and makes us feel like the "right" ones. Everyone loves that right? And then someone comes along and points out that the speaker in the video is actually a bigot, or a misogynist, or an apologist/advocate of something abhorrent like sexual violence - and when I see that I am a little disappointed that a speaker with such great presence and great points has such a dodgy attitude in other areas, but I engage with it - because I understand that one speech does not a messiah make. I'm okay with knowing that a great speaker is also a great asshole - nothing new right? I can move on from this, and not think of that person in a good light anymore - no big deal. I don't need to hang on to them as a symbol of hope. Some people however, feel the need to jump down the throat of whoever the brave soul was that pointed out that this speaker has some very offensive and triggering views. Some people say things like "Oh come on! That was in the past! He's a great guy now." Cool story. Citation needed. When you say that people who eat meat/wear fur should have their family brutally violated - you're not a great guy. Especially when it was just last year that you made statements like this. Yet the person on the facebook thread who brought up these statements has now become the problem. The whistle blower is in the stocks. This is classic WCWAJGA. This happens all the time on the Wellington Vegans page - and it makes no sense to me, because we vegans are used to being the ones accused of breaking the peace by telling too many inconvenient truths. As it happens we do it to each other.

We can't all just get along because we all have different views. Those of us who bring up the nasty underbelly of the shiny things are not usually trying to bring people down - we are not trying to be mean to the people that still believe in the shiny things - we are trying to show another side to it so that people can make more informed decisions about what they subscribe to in life. The person in the above Wellington Vegans situation (of which there are many) is accused of being mean and "sniping" at other people in the thread because she points out that a guy who gave a good speech - who none of us even know personally - just happens to have very questionable views with regard to what it's okay to do to another human being for their beliefs. I find it incredibly frustrating that when I try to point out on this thread that my friend has not actually been mean - but has pointed out inconvenient and horrible truths - I am then accused of being one of the "snipers". We can't all just get along because some people refuse to acknowledge that there is even a problem in the first place and shoot any messengers that try to tell them otherwise. Your attitude of wanting us to all get along at the expense of robust discussion and important information sharing actually makes it harder to all get along. You wanting to keep your bubble safe actually makes the bubble we share far less safe - and not just for the rest of us - but for you too.

This happens in all communities, but it is particularly alarming and upsetting when it happens in activist communities. Discussion is shut down because it paints someone powerful in a bad light, or because it gets in the way of convenient arrangements, and then we might have to actually do something about it. This makes for unsafe spaces and is often the reason that some activists break off from these groups. The very action of shutting down a topic because it compromises the feeling of safety in the group - makes people leave the "safe" space, and often this means they become insular because they don't know anyone else who shares the views that their old group did - so they are alone in their views - in a very big scary world. These events are the Sex Ed of activist life. They are the climate change of domestic life. Why give condoms if you don't want people to have sex? Why openly agree with climate change if you have to try and do something about it? Well, this is the same attitude repeating itself - Why let people offer new information to make our space safer if you don't want to discuss that new information because it doesn't feel nice, and/or you might have to change something? Same attitude.

I am not suggesting that it is a good idea to be a constant downer on everything - nobody likes to be around someone who kills the buzz at every turn. I am suggesting, however, that it's not a good idea to turn a blind eye when something threatens to wipe some of the rose tint from your glasses. It's an even worse idea to kick the person with the glasses cleaner in the gut and tell them to shut up and stop being mean. Worse still, is then shutting the whole thing down altogether - taking the entire discussion off the table because you were so attached to the initial idea. If we all did that - nothing would change. Nobody would be safe. Nobody would feel okay pointing out any oppressions or crimes or even alarm bells. Some of us have to, because most of us are too scared to now - because of the self-policing nature of people in fear. The people who want to play nice are afraid, the people who point out why we can't just play nice are afraid. Safe bubble is no longer safe.

I believe we need to have these discussions. We need to take on more information and not attack those who share it with us. We need to listen to each other and understand that what feels safer for us to sweep under the carpet might actually make a space less safe for others. I would love us all to just get along - it's what's really in my nature as I hate conflict and I love people. I just see the need for conflicting views to be able come together in a safe space - if they can't. then people don't say what they mean and the status quo continues while the silent knowers among us watch the whole thing burn to the ground. Policing each other's views like that is actually keeping sexism, racism, speciesism, homophobia, xenophobia, fat-phobia, misogyny and a whole bunch of other ugly and insidious world-views alive and well. We have to have the hard discussions now to prevent the harder fall-out later. Otherwise we actively prove many a literary prediction. 1984 anyone?

This is how douchebags continue to get away with douchebaggery. This is why I won't just play nice.

Beauty

It was finding this "article" on Wiki How: How to Embrace Your Curves, found here, that compelled me to write this post. This is good, because I skipped two months of blog writing! This post is sort of about beauty, but mostly about perception of it.

This article is a bit shit. It seems innocent enough for the first few steps, and then it really gets into the problematic soy-meat of the sandwich. To many people it may not occur, that the article itself is inherently fat-phobic. It says "Bigger women are far more beautiful", and then it instructs the reader to smile more, as "Moody faces tend to look less attractive and slightly chubbier." I'm sorry, what? I thought you just said that it is okay to be chubby because you're beautiful? It also goes on to say, toward the end, that "There are many curvy ladies who are incredibly beautiful". Okay... so what if the reader of this article is not one of the beautiful ones? You just told them in step four that they are sexy... So why now are you telling them that not all of them are? Many implies not all, am I right?

I have enough issues with the steps on how to "embrace" your curves - but then we get to the Tips section. First of all: "Avoid skinny jeans, and they can make legs look lumpy." Some of you may be judgementally thinking - yeah that's a good idea because who wants to see lumpy legs? Well, I would guess the author of this article? They have, after all, just finished telling the reader that they are more beautiful than thin women, right? Then there is the part where they tell the reader to:

"opt for jeggings(jean-style leggings) or plain black leggings, in a size larger than your normal jean size (so, if you're normally a 14, get a 16). This makes them roomier, and much more comfortable, and allow for them to be pulled up more, which is especially good for any women who are conscious of their stomach. You can pull them over your stomach and then put your top on, and you will look flatter around your tummy!"

I do note that the writer has been careful of how they wrote most of this article - making sure their language suggests it is the reader's opinion of themselves that will lead them to take these steps, rather than a value judgement from the author. This is good. The content, however, just pushes women into those accepted paradigms of women not being allowed to have lumps, unless they're on your chest or ass. Then there is this wonderful example of judgement of thin women, which I would definitely call defensive thin-phobia:

"Skinny doesn't mean beautiful, so don't feel down when you're flicking through a magazine full of thin women. Keep in mind that they will probably never know the beauty that comes with being a curvy woman."

Yeah, so, why are we pitting the two against each other? Why are thin women scapegoated as the oppressors of not-so-thin women? Sure, there is a minority of thinner women with fat phobia, but there are women (and other genders) of all shapes and sizes with fat phobia.

Then there is this gem: "High heels can make you look taller, which will compliment your shape." This is very carefully worded. What it actually means is wear oppressively uncomfortable footwear and put on a fake smile - it will make you look taller which will make you appear to have a more socially acceptable width-to-height ratio, so people who would otherwise judge you can have a few moments off being a dick. Lucky them.

What about those of us who are neither fat nor thin? We get judgements from both sides. Some people think we are hot because we're curvy but not "fat", and some people wouldn't date us unless we went on a fasting diet and lifted weights for a year. Then there is the problematic assumption that your self-worth should even be based on other people's perception of your attractiveness. Here is my response to the article, which I voted down:

"This article is fat-phobic while trying to be helpful. It implies that your face is not allowed to look chubby, so you should smile. Most women are insecure enough about their bodies without having to put on a fake smile too. All throughout this article it implies that in order to love your body - it has to be attractive to someone else. This is not helpful. If we are constantly in search of someone to find us attractive in order to have self-worth, then we will never fully embrace our own beauty.

The only time it is ever anyone else' business how your body looks, is when they are genuinely concerned for your health.

This constant comparison to "thin women" also doesn't help. Women do the comparison thing far too often as it is. Size is a spectrum. Attraction is subjective. So is self-worth - and it doesn't range from thin = I feel great to fat = I feel crap.

This article is problematic, and I can't believe it is considered "an exceptionally high quality new article". Actually, yes I can."

I think that sums up nicely what I have been trying to say.

On a personal note, I grew up being teased for being "ugly", and since I have grown up, I have been told otherwise. It has been very difficult believing the more current statements. It has taken me a long time to shake off my past of being constantly negatively judged. In fact, I haven't shaken it off yet. I don't know many women who have shaken off past judgements. Often the worst judgements come from women ourselves, because we need someone to compare ourselves to in order to feel better about our own bodies. That's my guess anyway. Men are capable of leaving lasting impressions too, of course. When I was 17, my boyfriend told me he wanted to get fit. Then he added, very pointedly: "you should get fit too". This was the first guy who had ever seen me, in my adult form, sans clothes. Then more recently, a male friend of mine added to my collection of things to never forget. I had just broken up with my last boyfriend, not by choice, and my friend had invited me to his place for breakfast. I informed him, while in his kitchen, that I had recently lost seven kilos. I thought it was interesting, and not at all good or bad - I was just curious as to how it had happened. He responded with a jovial "Congratulations!". I did the thing that probably people should never do, and asked "why? Did you think I needed to?" to which he replied, under his breath, "couldn't hurt".

Every woman, fat or thin or in between, has stories like this. Men too will have their own stories. All genders face judgement of their physical form. All genders do the judging. I think it is our job, as thinking individuals, to check our own thoughts and thought-patterns.

I will leave you with two things that I think are awesome: this woman, who is my hero for being braver than I, and for acknowledging that there are also bigger issues at hand.

And this infographic.













Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to tidy my room!

Impermanence

I know I have touched on this before in several of my posts, but I haven't given a whole post to it... until now. Impermanence is many things. It is a noun meaning "Not lasting or durable; not permanent", it is something that everything is subject to, and it is a state in Buddhist beliefs. I think I will be referring to all three in this post - and not even on purpose!


I choose to use the word "mandala" when giving myself online names, and in other places. This is because the sand mandala takes a long time to make, each intricate detail meticulously fussed over by its creators, and when finished it is beautiful. It blows my mind that such a beautiful thing, that takes so long to make, is so easily ended. That's right - they make these things and then they ruin them on purpose - it is a metaphor for life and everything in it. Everything is impermanent - everything.



This particular mandala was apparently ruined by a small boy - not the ritual ruining that usually happens where they swirl it all up with a large paint brush - no, a small boy messed it up because it was fun to do so. Everything ends and not always the way it was meant to.

We all know this all too well and humans for centuries have tried various ways of evading it. From keeping artefacts for the afterlife in Egyptian pyramids, to today's plastic surgery to make us look younger. We are all in denial. We have always been in denial. We keep the Royal Family who are and have always been obsessed with keeping the bloodlines alive. We do that on a smaller scale with those biological urges to continue our genes - often in some kind of attempt to replace ourselves and somehow keep a little of us alive. Our governments try to keep the economy alive even though it is killing our planet. Denial denial denial.

I am in denial too. I know all of this stuff and yet I am terrified of impermanence. I don't want to die. I don't want to not exist. I don't want my beautiful friends to move away. But I will, and they do. Like anybody else I cope with these things because I have to. You have to carry on knowing that everything beautiful will end - including you. I think if we actually had a real concept of what that means, life would become either a lot harder to face - or we would live it with much more passion. It is interesting that when we know something has to end, we either jump right into it or we hang back a bit from it because we don't want to get attached. This is usually my experience anyway, depending on the thing. Each week goes by and we can only look back on it. Events in the future are looked forward to and then they are over. What seems like it is a long time away eventually becomes a memory. This is scary, but this is real. Each experience is fleeting.

I use this word "mandala" to remind me so I never lose sight of this fact. There is no silver lining to it. You may get married but it may not last because happily ever after is a myth. You may have children but they are not you, and they never will be. Neither will their children. Everything ends. Bad things, good things, everything. The trick is to enjoy them now. But how the hell do you do that? It's always in the back of your mind that it will end, right?

This is what I seek to discover.

Be Excellent to Each Other

We all go through our own shit. Every day at least one of us is having some kind of issue with some thing or other. We complain to each other about stuff all the time. Some people do it more than others. Others don't do it at all - possibly because they don't want to be That Person who complains. I often don't want to be That Person. I want to be more of a shining light. I manage it quite often. Sometimes, like right now, I don't.

 I'm going through my own shit. It's not that bad - in the grand scheme. It's not like I have to live with a significant disability, or like I am starving, or living under an incredibly oppressive regime. Just your usual job insecurity, self esteem issues, capitalism, and liveable illness. Most people can relate. Oh, and in Wellington right now we are having some earthquakes. They're not that bad, but they could be. A lot of things could be.

With this in mind, I pose an idea: Why don't we be like Bill and Ted and be excellent to each other more often? Why don't we hold the humorous sarcasm from time to time, drop the bloke act, and Just Be Nice? You never know when someone is having a shit day. Not everyone is going to tell you. Sometimes what is needed is a compliment, or a well-wish, or just to go easy on people. We are often strong, but we are not always bullet-proof. 

I often find that the way to tell if someone needs some love of this kind - is if they themselves are being a bit of a dick. I know that when I most need encouragement, I'm probably being a bit snappy or rude, or just plain impatient. When I see others acting this way I try to remember that they're probably having a shit time and just need some compassion. Obviously not everybody is going to show their needs in this way though, and some people will be harder to read than others. So why should we not just be excellent to each other, all the time? I know it's fun to rib each other and make funny comments, but can we throw in some kind of compliment or something while we're doing it? I think we underestimate how much people need them. Even people who don't seem able to take them - but usually doing something for them in a more subtle way can work there.

So yeah - basically I'm suggesting we be nicer to each other. Even to those who seem undeserving of it. For they are usually the most in need. This world is hard for all of us - how about we make it easier? How about we put aside just a little bit of time to be a GC. It's so simple a task, and yet so easily forgotten. Be Excellent to Each Other.

and...
Party on Dudes!

Feminisms

I haven't written about feminism much before. I certainly haven't written about my feminism. I believe there are many - each feminist has a differing feminism, because each feminist has differing experiences. So anyway - here I'll talk a little about mine.

I was at an event tonight designed to "showcase" some of our members of parliament in a humorous light. Tonight there were only women MPs allowed to be on the show, as the theme was feminism and "womens' issues". There are usually four guests - tonight there were three. Could other parties not drum up a woman to speak on their behalf? Were they asked? I personally would have enjoyed hearing from a usually quite sane Tracey Martin (NZ First) and asking her about her party's stance on marriage equality... Anyway, that's not my point. My point is that it shouldn't have been too hard for other parties, not just National, Labour and the Greens to get female representatives on the show. I do not know why it was - but I am almost convinced it is because we still need feminism. When my friend was asked to be on the show a few weeks ago as a young politician, she was terrified. I think this is not because she is young and scared to muck up as a young person, I think it's because we still need feminism. Tonight on the show when the presenters went around asking audience members their opinions on things, and women ummed and questioned their way through their answers, and looked imploringly at the questioner for permission to "not know much", I think that too is because we still need feminism.

Women are given a voice in this country - we're privileged. The thing is, we're too bloody scared to use it! Women, as the vox pop from the show tells us, can think feminism is dead - something that Caitlin Moran believes shows it definitely isn't - in fact she thinks this belief shows that it's very much alive and to some extent, working. Unfortunately Caitlin Moran forgets herself that she is an able-bodied white woman and that you don't need a vagina to be a feminist... Seriously! Her check-list to see if you are a feminist: "a) Do you have a vagina? and b) Do you want to be in charge of it?", is flawed, bordering on disgustingly flawed. As is her belief that she wasn't a woman when she was sixteen because she wasn't "human shaped", but was "a 16 stone triangle", and didn't do "human things" like walking, running, dancing, swimming or climbing the stairs. Feminists like her, use her voice and then feminists like me use my voice to question her beliefs, in this safe weblog environment... But would I be able to articulate my thoughts on this if you asked me randomly in the street, or even asked me to speak on a show, with advance preparation? I think not - I think I would freak out because of All the Other Things I've had to learn and unlearn in my life. Like how to be a good friend, how to be attractive to blokes, how to stay true to myself while still fulfilling some kind of feminine idea, how to not care that I might be slightly overweight, but still half-assedly try to do something about it because I think I'm supposed to, how to use my brain but still have time to be social, how to Know More Things but still manage to play with my sense of style by putting in the time to find the Things in op shops, how to know and care what's in my "feminine hygiene" products, "beauty" products, food, how to get through things based mainly on intuition because my brain just can't take in any more Stuff... It's exhausting being me - I can't say it's exhausting being a woman because I don't know any other womens' experience first hand - but it's exhausting wanting to be So Much More than I am, and then feeling like I have to ask for permission not to be - because of all those expectations.

I'm not saying that women across the board have more complicated lives than men and this is why we have to cram so much more in and can't find simple answers when they're needed in off-the-cuff situations. I am saying that in my experience, for the most part, the women I know are trying to be All the Things. We're so busy trying to be all those things that when we're stopped and asked for our perspective on them - we might get a bit tongue-tied! I also wonder if this is why women are under-represented in parliament? Another reason might be that women are too smart, and realise that parliament is a largely horrible waste of time? I'm not sure - I only know that this is partly why you won't see me in there. It's still not a safe environment for women, able-bodied, white, heterosexual, born -or otherwise. It's just not. Louise Upston (National) tonight said that MPs are chosen on their merits - and that is supposedly why only a quarter of their list is made up of women, and only a third of those in parliament. Merits. It was at that point that I walked out.

As long as we're scared to be ourselves (whatever that is!!!) in public, for whatever reason, while our cis male counterparts are unquestionably empowered at almost every turn - we still need to look at every and all institutional infrastructures and ask why they are that way. For me this is what feminism is. For you it might be something different, but as long as I see room for improvement in the world for women of every kind, in the world made by and for a certain type of man - I know that my feminism is not dead.

We still need feminisms.