A Controversial Post

Trigger Warning: Themes of sexual violence, and images of dead animals.

I don't know which is more confronting for people. Being called out for sexism or for speciesism. Both are something nobody wants to be accused of, even if it's obvious. Speciesism is more overt and noticeable, e.g. if you say you love animals (meaning cats and dogs) and then you tuck into a nice juicy piece of dead cow... That makes you, under the sociological definition, speciesist.
Sexism is more insidious. This insidiousness can range from incidentally finding it funny that a man is doing some dishes, to deciding a female hunter is worse then male hunters because she is a woman.

Yes, that is what has sparked this post. Kendall Jones. For anyone who doesn't know, she is a young woman from Texas who kills wild animals for sport, but claims it's for "conservation efforts" and to feed "hungry villagers" in African countries. It's all legal because she pays their governments for the permits to do so. She then posts pictures online of her posing next to these dead majestic animals, while beaming a big proud smile. She calls them her trophies.
I will make it clear right now that I am completely against any and all of the killing she does, for whatever reason, and that I think it's sick that she posts pictures of herself on the Internet next to these animals, presenting them as trophies. According to the Internet, the grand majority of people agree.

While I am not especially opposed to her actions more so than I would be if she was a man (and most people on Facebook threads appear to agree) she does cop certain criticisms that men who do the same thing, do not. She has had directed at her anything from rape jokes and death wishers to rape wishers and death threats. Her Facebook post from the 3rd of January, found here (you have to scroll down) illustrates this perfectly. To accompany the photo-montage of people holding up beautiful, and very dead, wild animals, she has stated:

So... Did anybody notice anything different over the last few days? Our friendly little competition drew thousands of pictures, posted by proud hunters taken for pure enjoyment...some in action, some selfies, some with trophies but all posted specifically "to get attention" for our ‪#‎hothunter‬ competition. And, whaddya know! No death threats, no rape jokes, nobody offering $100 grand for nude photos of the proud hunters... none of the normal BS that appears on my page on a daily basis. Hmm I wonder why? Could it be because all the people daring to post photos of themselves were men? It was a lot of fun (congrats Trey!) but there real reason I did this whole competition was to prove that what really pisses off the anti-hunting crowd is not that I hunt, or that I pose with my trophies, or that I'm proud of my achievements...its the fact that I'm a girl and I'm doing those things. Well I'm here to tell you, I'm NEVER going to stop. I'm proud to hunt, proud to cheer, proud to wear makeup, and especially PROUD TO BE ME! ‪#‎therealreason‬ ‪#‎shootlikeagirl‬ ‪#‎provingapoint‬ ‪#‎KJ1hatersnada‬ ‪#‎brainsbeforebeauty‬ ‪#‎will‬ ‪#‎not‬ ‪#‎stop‬ ‪#‎lovetohunt‬

About the special treatment, she is right. The main reason she is so well-known is because she is a woman. I say this knowing that she has deliberately sought fame as a reality TV host. The reason people sat up and took notice is that she is an attractive young woman with a Facebook page. Usually women don't go out and hunt, and document it, and then put it on a Facebook page. The fact that she does has made people go wtf? She defies gender stereotypes and therefore she is even more wrong than the men who do this. I don't think this myself, trust me, but others do - and it has propelled her to infamy. In this thread alone she has received comments such as "Look at me! I'm an attention whore!" and "I hope your mascara doesn't run when a lion is tearing you to shreds". Articles about her are quick to point out that she is a cheerleader. She also receives much more sinister comments like "Let's hunt you for your blonde locks they would look so much better on my head than yours!!" and a statement from a man, that I can't find the quote for (it was probably reported and removed), that suggested if he ever met her he would set his dogs onto her, and then ended with the hashtag "BelieveIt". She also gets rape wishers such as one upstanding citizen who commented "Your kids will be raped by gorillas". One article has even stated that it is a "victory" for Jones that she has managed to have a hate site taken down. It is a victory for a woman to have had a site full of death threats and rape jokes taken down? Wow.


A large number of the people commenting on these threads are also most likely speciesists. Many of them say they too hunt, but are appalled that she hunts endangered species'. Many say they understand her conservation actions, and state that the animals she kills makes it harder for poachers to kill the ones that really matter???? Many people just say it's terrible that she would kill any animals and display them like this; you can bet that a good percentage of these people allow others to kill animals on their behalf so that they themselves can have dinner. 

Tell me again how this is for conservation?

My point is that while her actions are, in my opinion, flat out disgusting, short-sighted, inappropriate, and grandiose - the responses she receives from people are in fact sexist and speciesist, not to mention violent. Many of these people will not reflect back on their own actions while they are pointing out the fatal flaws in hers. I myself display speciesist behaviour - I live with a cat. She eats food with other animals in it. Other people kill and process those animals. I buy that food. When she has fleas I kill them; I make sure I do it with my bare hands by squishing them between my fingers - why? Because if I'm going to kill something I feel I should have direct contact with my actions. This does not mean I'm going to go out and hunt mice, kill them, and bring them back for the cat - no, I too am speciesist on a few levels despite otherwise living as a vegan. I also have some insidious sexist tendencies that I blame on decades of societal programming. For example, sometimes when I see other women I can't help but compare myself to them. In my mind I sometimes say to myself - I'm prettier than her, or oh my god what is she wearing, or man I wish my butt looked that good... I am buying into the very sexism that Capitalism wants me to. So I am far from above reproach. I also display cognitive dissonance by wearing clothes I know were made by overworked underpaid labourers, therefore perpetuating the system that allows that practice to continue. I am not sharing these fun facts about my own bigotry in order to suggest that others' behaviour must be acceptable because I too sometimes behave unethically; I am merely showing that I am no better. Humans kinda suck.

It is interesting though, that people subconsciously assume they can tear somebody to shreds without looking at their own failings, just because that person's values differ, if extremely, from their own. If we are going to solve speciesism and sexism we have to look at how they, among other oppressions, intersect. Sexism, racism, rape, speciesism, transmisogyny, wilful environmental destruction, slavery, ableism, capitalism, libertarianism, and many more things, intersect because they are all acts of violent oppression. One should not be answered by another.

Conclusion: It is not okay to wish rape on a person because they like to kill different animals than you do.

Just one of the images of her and others with their "trophies".
More information on Kendall Jones and her other critics can be found in various places online - I found some of mine here and here.

Life from inside a bubble

 or "A whole bunch of boring crap about me"

Over the last few months I have carefully constructed for myself a small bubble in which to live. I've started a new Facebook profile and tried to keep it to people I really know, who I feel I have enough in common with. This is largely because I've learned a great deal more about intersectionality than I could ever have imagined - so I am a lot more sensitive to all of the oppressions our society perpetuates. This means I can tolerate fewer and fewer people based on their willful ignorance of these issues and their insistence that actually listening to oppressed individuals when they share their lived experiences - and being sensitive to their preferences as humans - is being "PC".
I've become more aware of my introversion, so I have embraced it. I wish I'd known that I was an introvert ten years ago, and that it was okay to be one - I just needed to be alone more often to prevent me from being an asshole! Revelation.
I have taken the step from vegetarianism to veganism - so I find it hard to go out and eat with certain individuals because we have to go to specific places, and they have held this against me and have accused me of preaching. Yep - that led to a friendship break-up.
I have quit drinking for health reasons. I don't really eat cane sugar anymore - also for health reasons.
I have a new life with new friends and I have lost touch with some friends I feel I have little to talk about with anymore. Friends who want to talk about other people instead of issues that are important to us. I just don't want to do that anymore.
I have low tolerance for people who can't meet me halfway now. I can't go the whole way across to them if they are unwilling to even move an inch for me. I just don't have the energy for it.
I have a fun but unstable job that brings with it the illusion of security  because they like me and try to give me lots of work.It's actually casual and on-call, and conditional on me getting a real teaching job very soon. I am so comfortable and overwhelmed by the idea of challenging myself that I am not applying for real jobs.
I've been wrestling with my political ideology and whether or not I can continue helping out the Greens when I am leaning more and more towards calling myself an anarchist. In the party I see more and more careerism and game-playing, popularity contests, power plays and unspoken tensions that shut down issues and silence people - these do not interest me. Political parties are full of this. Our parliamentary system is just an offshoot of Big Corruption.
A lot of vegans are self-righteous dicks.
I am losing my faith in men. I don't want to be objectified or feel self conscious about my body or feel like I have to explain why I don't shave my legs and ask if they "mind". I don't want anyone who does not align with my values. No one is better than just anyone.
I've invested energy in people and causes for so long and given so much emotionally to people and causes, and had this mostly backfire.
I've recognised I suffer from anxiety and that I need complete control over what I do. I cannot be pressured or micromanaged. I cannot work in a group unless I am heard.
I have discovered that I need to do less in order to have energy for even myself.

I have two flatmates who I consider to be my best friends. They let me be all of the above. All of the time. I have never had this kind of community before. We tell each other almost everything. We can admit weakness to each other. We laugh at the same things. We are complete dorks all the time. We have in-jokes. We talk about important issues (and okay, people too - but usually in a constructive way). We build each other up and make sure each of us is feeling valued. We are honest with each other.
We are family.
I never had this kind of relationship growing up. I never had this kind of security. There were times (okay most of the time) where I had no friends at all. I never had in-jokes. I never had a clique. I was always on the outside - but I was trying to get in. I was making an effort to be out there. That is how I managed to make friends from high school to the present day - by connecting with individuals. These individuals were often not in the same group. They were from all over the place. This is why up until now I had never felt like I belonged to a circle. I never completely belonged anywhere. Until now.

The one negative thing about being in a small bubble where I have shut out all that doesn't interest me - is that I have also shut out possibilities and opportunities. I have isolated myself in a comfortable holding pattern.
But I am getting restless.
I love my flatmates and I love my job, don't get me wrong. I am just so used to being that person who has friends from all over the place. I still do have these friends but they mostly live in other cities now. The thing is that while I'm quite introverted and need autonomy, I am also a social animal. I just find my tolerance for bullshit has gone riiiiiiiight down.

So my world has become very small.
I live in a bubble.

This is about why my bubble has gone from being a safe haven to a prison. I now spend too much time alone. The thing I most look forward to most days is escaping to my room at night to watch a movie or read.
I am using my introversion as an excuse to be an asshole. If someone calls me on my abruptness, I acknowledge that Yes - I have a problem with that. It's a known issue and I'm working on it. Truth be told - I am not working very hard on it. My "working on it" consists of me kicking myself every time I realise that I have Done It Again and the promising myself I will try to be more gentle next time. I use the fact that I have anxiety issues to not do much. I call it "looking after myself". I have laziness apologists all around me who insist that "you have to look after yourself". This always feels so dishonest. Whenever I am outside work, all I do is look after myself. It gets comfortable and it's a dangerous place to get stuck.

I think I don't get invited to certain things by certain people anymore because I don't drink and I'm a difficult eater. I think because I have made all of these choices for my life that people feel like I am judging them for not making the same choices. People feel like they have to be defensive when I am around - like I am going to be that holier-then-thou person. This misperception gets in my way a lot. People purposely don't sit with me in the staffroom because they think I can't handle them eating meat. ETC. I actually avoid such topics as veganism with non vegans because I don't want that to happen. I don't want people to feel less than, or judged or like they can't be themselves around me. I'd rather connect than argue.

I have lost touch with friends who are also friends with people I have "ditched" or who have ditched me.

I am being very very lazy and blaming it on feeling overwhelmed. I'm not challenging myself. I'm not branching out. I'm in a hole.

I want to climb out of this hole. I want to admit that I need new friends every few months - in addition to my existing ones. It's just who I am. I want to admit that I actually kinda do want to meet a guy, but I don't want just any guy. I also don't want to look for one. I don't want one that badly, and I certainly don't need one to feel complete! But it would be nice to meet someone I can connect with and share values with. Chick flicks and Romantic Comedies have given me an unrealistic sense of entitlement on this one. Where is he? Oh, that's right - he probably doesn't exist because the universe is vast and uncaring and I am but a mere speck of stardust. Stars by the way are NOT romantic. They are mineral build-ups that are reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaally unbelievably far away - and they die.
Having said all of this, you don't meet people by staying in your house all the time.

Another problem is that I am arrogant and condescending. I am too knee-jerk about things being "right" that I jump on people to correct them. I think it's because that's where my confidence lies - if I know something I will articulate it so that I can feel like I have something to contribute. Something. Even if it is a pain in the ass and alienates people. I'm over this. I really am.

 So from this convoluted mess of a post I can deduce that I have used the word "I" a lot more than is going to be interesting to anyone who is not me.But maybe it will (here I go - gonna be condescending and offer unsolicited advice AGAIN) maybe it will resonate with someone. Even one person. And they will know that this bubble life, while it has its perks, is not a sustainable way of life. Shutting people out has consequences. It might feel easier and more empowering - but it's isolating and limiting and detrimental to one's health in the long run. I'm not going to burst it though - because once you're inside it's really hard to get out. I don't even really know how to connect to people anymore without being offended at language and imagery that is considered normal and is normative.

I will take baby steps. It's all I can do. I will stretch the bubble a bit. Maybe make it a bit bigger. Who knows? The possibilities are actually endless.

Why I Won't Just Play Nice

"Why can't we all just get along?" (Hereby known as WCWAJGA). I see this all the time online and hear it all the time in person. People don't usually explicitly say these words - but something to their effect. Why can't we all just get along?

It seems straightforward enough right? Let's forget our differences and move on and be nice humans because that all feels much nicer. No issues here. Smile and wave. Why are you not smiling and waving? Oh, you're going to continue to not smile and wave - okay - let me shut down this whole thing because it doesn't conform to the image I have of my nice bright shiny world-view. Now, on with my smiling and waving. Oh - so that person you were refusing to smile and wave at has just done something devastating to someone else, but let's just sweep that under the carpet - I'm not even sure if it's even true even. Anyway. I'm still not going to talk to you. You don't play nice.

Life doesn't play nice. There are inequities and oppressions all around us. There is cognitive dissonance ruling our governments and wallets and dinner plates and wardrobes and workplaces and, well, anywhere else you look. Things are nasty out there and in here. It may well feel better to block it all out - how else to we get through our day to day? I block things out all the time just to get through all the things I have to do in life. I focus on good things as much as I can. If you don't, you fall through the cracks and it can be very difficult to grab onto shards to climb back up. They cut as you grab. So, yes - wanting to focus on the good and trying to be decent human beings to one another is very very important. There is a lot of good to be celebrated. The trouble is that some people refuse to engage with the bad things, and go so far as to condemn those who do. That is actually one really good way to make life even worse and more dystopic than it already can be.

It often happens on the Wellington Vegans facebook page - someone posts some nice speech on why it's good to go vegan - I have no issues with this. It's uplifting and at the same time reaffirms our beliefs and makes us feel like the "right" ones. Everyone loves that right? And then someone comes along and points out that the speaker in the video is actually a bigot, or a misogynist, or an apologist/advocate of something abhorrent like sexual violence - and when I see that I am a little disappointed that a speaker with such great presence and great points has such a dodgy attitude in other areas, but I engage with it - because I understand that one speech does not a messiah make. I'm okay with knowing that a great speaker is also a great asshole - nothing new right? I can move on from this, and not think of that person in a good light anymore - no big deal. I don't need to hang on to them as a symbol of hope. Some people however, feel the need to jump down the throat of whoever the brave soul was that pointed out that this speaker has some very offensive and triggering views. Some people say things like "Oh come on! That was in the past! He's a great guy now." Cool story. Citation needed. When you say that people who eat meat/wear fur should have their family brutally violated - you're not a great guy. Especially when it was just last year that you made statements like this. Yet the person on the facebook thread who brought up these statements has now become the problem. The whistle blower is in the stocks. This is classic WCWAJGA. This happens all the time on the Wellington Vegans page - and it makes no sense to me, because we vegans are used to being the ones accused of breaking the peace by telling too many inconvenient truths. As it happens we do it to each other.

We can't all just get along because we all have different views. Those of us who bring up the nasty underbelly of the shiny things are not usually trying to bring people down - we are not trying to be mean to the people that still believe in the shiny things - we are trying to show another side to it so that people can make more informed decisions about what they subscribe to in life. The person in the above Wellington Vegans situation (of which there are many) is accused of being mean and "sniping" at other people in the thread because she points out that a guy who gave a good speech - who none of us even know personally - just happens to have very questionable views with regard to what it's okay to do to another human being for their beliefs. I find it incredibly frustrating that when I try to point out on this thread that my friend has not actually been mean - but has pointed out inconvenient and horrible truths - I am then accused of being one of the "snipers". We can't all just get along because some people refuse to acknowledge that there is even a problem in the first place and shoot any messengers that try to tell them otherwise. Your attitude of wanting us to all get along at the expense of robust discussion and important information sharing actually makes it harder to all get along. You wanting to keep your bubble safe actually makes the bubble we share far less safe - and not just for the rest of us - but for you too.

This happens in all communities, but it is particularly alarming and upsetting when it happens in activist communities. Discussion is shut down because it paints someone powerful in a bad light, or because it gets in the way of convenient arrangements, and then we might have to actually do something about it. This makes for unsafe spaces and is often the reason that some activists break off from these groups. The very action of shutting down a topic because it compromises the feeling of safety in the group - makes people leave the "safe" space, and often this means they become insular because they don't know anyone else who shares the views that their old group did - so they are alone in their views - in a very big scary world. These events are the Sex Ed of activist life. They are the climate change of domestic life. Why give condoms if you don't want people to have sex? Why openly agree with climate change if you have to try and do something about it? Well, this is the same attitude repeating itself - Why let people offer new information to make our space safer if you don't want to discuss that new information because it doesn't feel nice, and/or you might have to change something? Same attitude.

I am not suggesting that it is a good idea to be a constant downer on everything - nobody likes to be around someone who kills the buzz at every turn. I am suggesting, however, that it's not a good idea to turn a blind eye when something threatens to wipe some of the rose tint from your glasses. It's an even worse idea to kick the person with the glasses cleaner in the gut and tell them to shut up and stop being mean. Worse still, is then shutting the whole thing down altogether - taking the entire discussion off the table because you were so attached to the initial idea. If we all did that - nothing would change. Nobody would be safe. Nobody would feel okay pointing out any oppressions or crimes or even alarm bells. Some of us have to, because most of us are too scared to now - because of the self-policing nature of people in fear. The people who want to play nice are afraid, the people who point out why we can't just play nice are afraid. Safe bubble is no longer safe.

I believe we need to have these discussions. We need to take on more information and not attack those who share it with us. We need to listen to each other and understand that what feels safer for us to sweep under the carpet might actually make a space less safe for others. I would love us all to just get along - it's what's really in my nature as I hate conflict and I love people. I just see the need for conflicting views to be able come together in a safe space - if they can't. then people don't say what they mean and the status quo continues while the silent knowers among us watch the whole thing burn to the ground. Policing each other's views like that is actually keeping sexism, racism, speciesism, homophobia, xenophobia, fat-phobia, misogyny and a whole bunch of other ugly and insidious world-views alive and well. We have to have the hard discussions now to prevent the harder fall-out later. Otherwise we actively prove many a literary prediction. 1984 anyone?

This is how douchebags continue to get away with douchebaggery. This is why I won't just play nice.

Beauty

It was finding this "article" on Wiki How: How to Embrace Your Curves, found here, that compelled me to write this post. This is good, because I skipped two months of blog writing! This post is sort of about beauty, but mostly about perception of it.

This article is a bit shit. It seems innocent enough for the first few steps, and then it really gets into the problematic soy-meat of the sandwich. To many people it may not occur, that the article itself is inherently fat-phobic. It says "Bigger women are far more beautiful", and then it instructs the reader to smile more, as "Moody faces tend to look less attractive and slightly chubbier." I'm sorry, what? I thought you just said that it is okay to be chubby because you're beautiful? It also goes on to say, toward the end, that "There are many curvy ladies who are incredibly beautiful". Okay... so what if the reader of this article is not one of the beautiful ones? You just told them in step four that they are sexy... So why now are you telling them that not all of them are? Many implies not all, am I right?

I have enough issues with the steps on how to "embrace" your curves - but then we get to the Tips section. First of all: "Avoid skinny jeans, and they can make legs look lumpy." Some of you may be judgementally thinking - yeah that's a good idea because who wants to see lumpy legs? Well, I would guess the author of this article? They have, after all, just finished telling the reader that they are more beautiful than thin women, right? Then there is the part where they tell the reader to:

"opt for jeggings(jean-style leggings) or plain black leggings, in a size larger than your normal jean size (so, if you're normally a 14, get a 16). This makes them roomier, and much more comfortable, and allow for them to be pulled up more, which is especially good for any women who are conscious of their stomach. You can pull them over your stomach and then put your top on, and you will look flatter around your tummy!"

I do note that the writer has been careful of how they wrote most of this article - making sure their language suggests it is the reader's opinion of themselves that will lead them to take these steps, rather than a value judgement from the author. This is good. The content, however, just pushes women into those accepted paradigms of women not being allowed to have lumps, unless they're on your chest or ass. Then there is this wonderful example of judgement of thin women, which I would definitely call defensive thin-phobia:

"Skinny doesn't mean beautiful, so don't feel down when you're flicking through a magazine full of thin women. Keep in mind that they will probably never know the beauty that comes with being a curvy woman."

Yeah, so, why are we pitting the two against each other? Why are thin women scapegoated as the oppressors of not-so-thin women? Sure, there is a minority of thinner women with fat phobia, but there are women (and other genders) of all shapes and sizes with fat phobia.

Then there is this gem: "High heels can make you look taller, which will compliment your shape." This is very carefully worded. What it actually means is wear oppressively uncomfortable footwear and put on a fake smile - it will make you look taller which will make you appear to have a more socially acceptable width-to-height ratio, so people who would otherwise judge you can have a few moments off being a dick. Lucky them.

What about those of us who are neither fat nor thin? We get judgements from both sides. Some people think we are hot because we're curvy but not "fat", and some people wouldn't date us unless we went on a fasting diet and lifted weights for a year. Then there is the problematic assumption that your self-worth should even be based on other people's perception of your attractiveness. Here is my response to the article, which I voted down:

"This article is fat-phobic while trying to be helpful. It implies that your face is not allowed to look chubby, so you should smile. Most women are insecure enough about their bodies without having to put on a fake smile too. All throughout this article it implies that in order to love your body - it has to be attractive to someone else. This is not helpful. If we are constantly in search of someone to find us attractive in order to have self-worth, then we will never fully embrace our own beauty.

The only time it is ever anyone else' business how your body looks, is when they are genuinely concerned for your health.

This constant comparison to "thin women" also doesn't help. Women do the comparison thing far too often as it is. Size is a spectrum. Attraction is subjective. So is self-worth - and it doesn't range from thin = I feel great to fat = I feel crap.

This article is problematic, and I can't believe it is considered "an exceptionally high quality new article". Actually, yes I can."

I think that sums up nicely what I have been trying to say.

On a personal note, I grew up being teased for being "ugly", and since I have grown up, I have been told otherwise. It has been very difficult believing the more current statements. It has taken me a long time to shake off my past of being constantly negatively judged. In fact, I haven't shaken it off yet. I don't know many women who have shaken off past judgements. Often the worst judgements come from women ourselves, because we need someone to compare ourselves to in order to feel better about our own bodies. That's my guess anyway. Men are capable of leaving lasting impressions too, of course. When I was 17, my boyfriend told me he wanted to get fit. Then he added, very pointedly: "you should get fit too". This was the first guy who had ever seen me, in my adult form, sans clothes. Then more recently, a male friend of mine added to my collection of things to never forget. I had just broken up with my last boyfriend, not by choice, and my friend had invited me to his place for breakfast. I informed him, while in his kitchen, that I had recently lost seven kilos. I thought it was interesting, and not at all good or bad - I was just curious as to how it had happened. He responded with a jovial "Congratulations!". I did the thing that probably people should never do, and asked "why? Did you think I needed to?" to which he replied, under his breath, "couldn't hurt".

Every woman, fat or thin or in between, has stories like this. Men too will have their own stories. All genders face judgement of their physical form. All genders do the judging. I think it is our job, as thinking individuals, to check our own thoughts and thought-patterns.

I will leave you with two things that I think are awesome: this woman, who is my hero for being braver than I, and for acknowledging that there are also bigger issues at hand.

And this infographic.













Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to tidy my room!

Impermanence

I know I have touched on this before in several of my posts, but I haven't given a whole post to it... until now. Impermanence is many things. It is a noun meaning "Not lasting or durable; not permanent", it is something that everything is subject to, and it is a state in Buddhist beliefs. I think I will be referring to all three in this post - and not even on purpose!


I choose to use the word "mandala" when giving myself online names, and in other places. This is because the sand mandala takes a long time to make, each intricate detail meticulously fussed over by its creators, and when finished it is beautiful. It blows my mind that such a beautiful thing, that takes so long to make, is so easily ended. That's right - they make these things and then they ruin them on purpose - it is a metaphor for life and everything in it. Everything is impermanent - everything.



This particular mandala was apparently ruined by a small boy - not the ritual ruining that usually happens where they swirl it all up with a large paint brush - no, a small boy messed it up because it was fun to do so. Everything ends and not always the way it was meant to.

We all know this all too well and humans for centuries have tried various ways of evading it. From keeping artefacts for the afterlife in Egyptian pyramids, to today's plastic surgery to make us look younger. We are all in denial. We have always been in denial. We keep the Royal Family who are and have always been obsessed with keeping the bloodlines alive. We do that on a smaller scale with those biological urges to continue our genes - often in some kind of attempt to replace ourselves and somehow keep a little of us alive. Our governments try to keep the economy alive even though it is killing our planet. Denial denial denial.

I am in denial too. I know all of this stuff and yet I am terrified of impermanence. I don't want to die. I don't want to not exist. I don't want my beautiful friends to move away. But I will, and they do. Like anybody else I cope with these things because I have to. You have to carry on knowing that everything beautiful will end - including you. I think if we actually had a real concept of what that means, life would become either a lot harder to face - or we would live it with much more passion. It is interesting that when we know something has to end, we either jump right into it or we hang back a bit from it because we don't want to get attached. This is usually my experience anyway, depending on the thing. Each week goes by and we can only look back on it. Events in the future are looked forward to and then they are over. What seems like it is a long time away eventually becomes a memory. This is scary, but this is real. Each experience is fleeting.

I use this word "mandala" to remind me so I never lose sight of this fact. There is no silver lining to it. You may get married but it may not last because happily ever after is a myth. You may have children but they are not you, and they never will be. Neither will their children. Everything ends. Bad things, good things, everything. The trick is to enjoy them now. But how the hell do you do that? It's always in the back of your mind that it will end, right?

This is what I seek to discover.

Be Excellent to Each Other

We all go through our own shit. Every day at least one of us is having some kind of issue with some thing or other. We complain to each other about stuff all the time. Some people do it more than others. Others don't do it at all - possibly because they don't want to be That Person who complains. I often don't want to be That Person. I want to be more of a shining light. I manage it quite often. Sometimes, like right now, I don't.

 I'm going through my own shit. It's not that bad - in the grand scheme. It's not like I have to live with a significant disability, or like I am starving, or living under an incredibly oppressive regime. Just your usual job insecurity, self esteem issues, capitalism, and liveable illness. Most people can relate. Oh, and in Wellington right now we are having some earthquakes. They're not that bad, but they could be. A lot of things could be.

With this in mind, I pose an idea: Why don't we be like Bill and Ted and be excellent to each other more often? Why don't we hold the humorous sarcasm from time to time, drop the bloke act, and Just Be Nice? You never know when someone is having a shit day. Not everyone is going to tell you. Sometimes what is needed is a compliment, or a well-wish, or just to go easy on people. We are often strong, but we are not always bullet-proof. 

I often find that the way to tell if someone needs some love of this kind - is if they themselves are being a bit of a dick. I know that when I most need encouragement, I'm probably being a bit snappy or rude, or just plain impatient. When I see others acting this way I try to remember that they're probably having a shit time and just need some compassion. Obviously not everybody is going to show their needs in this way though, and some people will be harder to read than others. So why should we not just be excellent to each other, all the time? I know it's fun to rib each other and make funny comments, but can we throw in some kind of compliment or something while we're doing it? I think we underestimate how much people need them. Even people who don't seem able to take them - but usually doing something for them in a more subtle way can work there.

So yeah - basically I'm suggesting we be nicer to each other. Even to those who seem undeserving of it. For they are usually the most in need. This world is hard for all of us - how about we make it easier? How about we put aside just a little bit of time to be a GC. It's so simple a task, and yet so easily forgotten. Be Excellent to Each Other.

and...
Party on Dudes!

Feminisms

I haven't written about feminism much before. I certainly haven't written about my feminism. I believe there are many - each feminist has a differing feminism, because each feminist has differing experiences. So anyway - here I'll talk a little about mine.

I was at an event tonight designed to "showcase" some of our members of parliament in a humorous light. Tonight there were only women MPs allowed to be on the show, as the theme was feminism and "womens' issues". There are usually four guests - tonight there were three. Could other parties not drum up a woman to speak on their behalf? Were they asked? I personally would have enjoyed hearing from a usually quite sane Tracey Martin (NZ First) and asking her about her party's stance on marriage equality... Anyway, that's not my point. My point is that it shouldn't have been too hard for other parties, not just National, Labour and the Greens to get female representatives on the show. I do not know why it was - but I am almost convinced it is because we still need feminism. When my friend was asked to be on the show a few weeks ago as a young politician, she was terrified. I think this is not because she is young and scared to muck up as a young person, I think it's because we still need feminism. Tonight on the show when the presenters went around asking audience members their opinions on things, and women ummed and questioned their way through their answers, and looked imploringly at the questioner for permission to "not know much", I think that too is because we still need feminism.

Women are given a voice in this country - we're privileged. The thing is, we're too bloody scared to use it! Women, as the vox pop from the show tells us, can think feminism is dead - something that Caitlin Moran believes shows it definitely isn't - in fact she thinks this belief shows that it's very much alive and to some extent, working. Unfortunately Caitlin Moran forgets herself that she is an able-bodied white woman and that you don't need a vagina to be a feminist... Seriously! Her check-list to see if you are a feminist: "a) Do you have a vagina? and b) Do you want to be in charge of it?", is flawed, bordering on disgustingly flawed. As is her belief that she wasn't a woman when she was sixteen because she wasn't "human shaped", but was "a 16 stone triangle", and didn't do "human things" like walking, running, dancing, swimming or climbing the stairs. Feminists like her, use her voice and then feminists like me use my voice to question her beliefs, in this safe weblog environment... But would I be able to articulate my thoughts on this if you asked me randomly in the street, or even asked me to speak on a show, with advance preparation? I think not - I think I would freak out because of All the Other Things I've had to learn and unlearn in my life. Like how to be a good friend, how to be attractive to blokes, how to stay true to myself while still fulfilling some kind of feminine idea, how to not care that I might be slightly overweight, but still half-assedly try to do something about it because I think I'm supposed to, how to use my brain but still have time to be social, how to Know More Things but still manage to play with my sense of style by putting in the time to find the Things in op shops, how to know and care what's in my "feminine hygiene" products, "beauty" products, food, how to get through things based mainly on intuition because my brain just can't take in any more Stuff... It's exhausting being me - I can't say it's exhausting being a woman because I don't know any other womens' experience first hand - but it's exhausting wanting to be So Much More than I am, and then feeling like I have to ask for permission not to be - because of all those expectations.

I'm not saying that women across the board have more complicated lives than men and this is why we have to cram so much more in and can't find simple answers when they're needed in off-the-cuff situations. I am saying that in my experience, for the most part, the women I know are trying to be All the Things. We're so busy trying to be all those things that when we're stopped and asked for our perspective on them - we might get a bit tongue-tied! I also wonder if this is why women are under-represented in parliament? Another reason might be that women are too smart, and realise that parliament is a largely horrible waste of time? I'm not sure - I only know that this is partly why you won't see me in there. It's still not a safe environment for women, able-bodied, white, heterosexual, born -or otherwise. It's just not. Louise Upston (National) tonight said that MPs are chosen on their merits - and that is supposedly why only a quarter of their list is made up of women, and only a third of those in parliament. Merits. It was at that point that I walked out.

As long as we're scared to be ourselves (whatever that is!!!) in public, for whatever reason, while our cis male counterparts are unquestionably empowered at almost every turn - we still need to look at every and all institutional infrastructures and ask why they are that way. For me this is what feminism is. For you it might be something different, but as long as I see room for improvement in the world for women of every kind, in the world made by and for a certain type of man - I know that my feminism is not dead.

We still need feminisms.

A Confession

Warning: The following may be the biggest load of crap you have ever read. I am starting this piece having no idea what the content will be, or where it will end up. I don't even know what I intend to confess. I just feel like writing something honest, and self-deprecating.

I think what I might be trying to do is explore what the hell I think I am at the moment. First of all, I describe myself as a relief high school teacher. That is what I do with, on average, three days of my week. For the most part I enjoy it. It's actually a real slacker's dream. Yeah I'm calling myself a slacker - for a lot of the time it's what I feel like I am. I don't take on too much, and most of what I take on - I do quite casually. I spend most of my time thinking. I never get bored because there is always something to think about. Sometimes when you're talking to me, I will be thinking instead of listening. Sometimes when I'm in a classroom "teaching", what I am really doing is asking young people to give up what they want to do, and do something pointless instead. Some of them do it. I have a secret respect for the ones that don't. Then I talk to other teachers about their lack of doing - and I'm met with "oh well, it's up to them if they want to work". I sometimes feel like I could go into that classroom and do nothing, all day, every day, and never get fired. Of course, I won't do this. I actually want those young people to challenge themselves - because that's how we find out what we're capable of. I got through teachers' college - so I am probably capable of almost anything. I think most teachers want young people to look up from their clouded hormonal worlds and see that coasting is not the best way to find out what they really are. I think most people are more amazing than they have yet discovered.

I suspect this includes me. You know how people are afraid of failure? Well, I think I'm actually afraid of success. Why else would I put off writing up that grand Civics Education programme that's gonna get me hired by five Wellington schools to deliver classes on a weekly basis? You know, the one where young people learn not only how to participate in our society, but to question it, and even try to change it. Why haven't I written that yet? Partly it is because I am having a break after teacher's college - basically, if I don't want to do something, I'll stop doing it. I didn't want to do my uni papers - so I dropped out. I didn't want to keep getting paid to get petition signatures - so I stopped doing it. This is a great way to live. I'm just wondering why I am not doing all the things I want to do - like writing up that Civics Ed plan, or writing that book, or building that model house, or making those climate change leaflets from the perspective of every street-preaching religion so I have something to exchange with them...

I think I've lost my point. Ah yes, how can I expect students to want to do work that they see no relevance in doing, when I won't even do the things I do see relevance in? Why should I ask those young people not to do those silly things that most of us did that gave us character and taught us the lessons that made us what we are today? When television shows and movies and magazines have such a profound effect on these young people, how can what I do possibly make any difference? The only thing I can come up with, when thinking about it, is that I see through all the crap. I see what is going on most of the time so I will not lie to these young people and tell them to lead straight and narrow lives, or to buckle down and do that school work - because I know that most young people learn what they need to know when they get out and live. I also know that the systems we are preparing them for life in, are corrupt and made mostly of lies. I will never be a careers advisor. The employment skills classes I relieve for sometimes, are the most depressing wastes of time ever. They're not learning about real life by doing a wordfind.

I'm living - I'm having a great time. I'm being easy on myself and letting myself have a break. I'm making myself do new things when opportunities arise, and I'm opening myself up to new possibilities. I'm saying what I want and I'm meeting new people and making new friends. I'm in a new city. I really like my job. I am being a slacker and it's okay because I'm alive. This does not answer my question - you know, the one where I wonder why I'm not doing the things I want to get done - and I don't even know if that was the purpose of this post... I just think we need to let ourselves off the hook more often. The students are doing it - have we forgotten how? I also think if I write up that plan and get that programme in schools, I'll be a very busy woman - I don't know if I'm ready for that yet.

This post is unpostable - but I'm posting it anyway.

Happiness

Every time I get sick I try to remember if I really appreciated being well before this affliction kicked in. Usually the answer is - not nearly enough and damnit I will appreciate it heaps more when I get better! This time the answer is - yes. Yes I did. I have been very happy recently, and I've been counting each blessing as I've realised it exists.

The strange thing about being happy recently is that I've been reading dystopian novels. I dropped out of uni (don't worry I have two degrees, two certificates, a graduate diploma and three casual jobs) and immediately started spending my spare time reading. First I read Margaret Atwood's The Handmaid's Tale, on the recommendation of my flatmate. Good book - basically a feminist 1984. I found this book stirring. Mainly this is because it, being dystopian, took the time to reflect on what happiness once was. Twice in the book the protagonist reflects on the impossibility of knowing before this all happened, that she was actually happy. She asks of her and her partner of the former time: "How were we to know we were happy, even then?" As things do - this got me thinking - and I realised that I was happy. I am happy. I don't want to realise this later - I want to know it now. How many other times have I been happy and not realised until later? Probably too many! I am so grateful to now realise this at the time, so I can truly appreciate everything I have! I encourage others to ask yourself, now, am I happy? If you are not - change something. If you are - embrace it! This is as good as it gets and this is good enough!

Some may be wondering - how can I be happy when I know there is so much wrong with the world? I am happy in spite of it. Those wrongs are there - and me being upset about them is not going to make them go away. I'm doing the things I can to work towards making some of them go away, and I'm enjoying all the wonderful things life has to offer at the same time. I have amazing friends, beautiful family, intriguing and lovely flatmates, a job that I love, a way of life that I enjoy, and a whole lot of other little details that combine to make me happy. I appreciate those things Right Now. I am an idealist so I realise there are many things that can be better - but in spite of those things I am incredibly grateful for where I am and how I am able to be here. I focus on the good while keeping the bad in mind as a safety measure. The balance feels right.

On that page, the next book I read was one I'd meant to read for years - Aldous Huxley's Brave New World. Another depressing but stirring book. The reason this book got me thinking further about happiness is that it poses the very question - what makes us happy? Are we happy with what we are conditioned to be happy with? Was I born and trained up as a Delta Minus so therefore I will be happy with a menial and meaningless job and limited personal freedoms? Was I born and trained up as an Alpha Plus so capable of questioning my lot in life and knowing it is even possible to question things? Is ignorance really bliss? Is it better - if you have the capacity to know - to choose not to, in order to be happy with your life? At last, for me, I think the answer is NO. A big resounding NO. We can know that there are many horrors in the world, and still be happy. There is no point feeling all the guilt and the shame of all of the problems, even those that we in part have contributed to. That will just depress us and paralyze us. There is plenty of point in seeing it for what it all is - a product of our conditioning and our positions in life - and working with it as best we can while appreciating what we do have that makes us individually fulfilled. I feel okay with knowing that I am incredibly privileged and am doing my best to appreciate that.

I don't want to look at myself deeper into the almost certainly dystopian future and realise I was once happy. I am happy to realise that now. I don't want to decide I can't be happy because the world has so many problems. I want to be happy anyway. I may as well feel it now - as now is all we have. xx

This video "Brené Brown at TEDxHouston" may, in part, explain why I am happy - better than this whole post.

Vegetarian and Vegan - Revisited

At the end of this original post you will find a reflection on it - and a declaration of undying veganism. :p

I have identified as a vegetarian for just over ten years now. My reasons started out completely animal rights focused and, as I learned more, became about the Environment, about waste politics, and maybe even a mite spiritual.

I am a Vegetarian because I recognise that all the norms humans live by were invented by humans - and are not "the way things have always been". I recognise that one of these norms is deciding that we are more important, or somehow better than other animals - and I disagree. People argue that we are "part of the food chain" and I argue that we are also intelligent enough to choose what we eat and don't eat. I am vegetarian because I recognise that our beef industry uses hundreds of times more water than any vegetable or grain industry. I recognise that feeding cows palm kernel is harmful to the ecosystems that are lost to grow it. I recognise that cows are herbivores - so why should I eat them? I recognise that meat contains cholesterol and that is best to avoid. I recognise that I have enough iron and my B vitamin intake is at a reasonable level. Being vegetarian works for me. I won't change it. I don't need to, I don't want to, and I just won't ever eat meat again unless the alternative is to die.

There are also a number of reasons I technically, given my knowledge, "should" go Vegan. I am aware that the island of Nauru had its phosphate depleted in the name of fertiliser for dairy farms, and now people cannot safely live there. I am aware that this fertiliser contains cadmium. Cadmium is a poisonous substance that is not even allowed to be in artist's paint anymore - and yet it is consumed by cows in New Zealand. These cows are our dairy cows, and thankfully the cadmium does not transfer to the milk - but it does to the soil and to the flesh of the cow. The result is that the land is completely useless for anything other than dairying for an immeasurable time after, and the cow's meat is not legally allowed to be sold after a few months of exposure to the land. Tell me again why we just naively accept cow's milk as the norm? Breeding and farming any creature for human gain doesn't quite wash as the best idea to me either - when I really think about it, it appalls me. We are so arrogant!

There are a whole bunch of reasons that going vegan is a good idea - and I am not going to go into any more than I already have. Instead I am going to talk about why I have not chosen to be vegan for now. One of them is that every time I go vegan I last about three months and then I fall hideously off the wagon and eat nothing but yoghurt for a week. The main reason though, and I will forgive you for disagreeing with my reasoning - we all have an Achilles Heel or seven, is that I like people. Let me explain... Most people (sorry, I'm generalising) when they hear the word vegan they flinch. They immediately think of a self-righteous nag who looks through their nose at anyone who isn't vegan, even vegetarians who are doing what we can given our positions along the journey. Most people have met a vegan at some kind of event where there was food and been held up while the vegan chose something to eat. I have been that vegan. I understand that there is often nothing on a menu that vegans can eat and that is why there is a hold up. I understand that. Sadly though, most do not and vegans have rather a shocking name, even in vegetarian communities, for supposedly deliberately making everyone else feel bad for their consumption choices. Another reason is that when I was at Teachers' College I was often so busy that I was not organised enough to make sure I had vegan food with me for lunch. There was literally nothing near college that I could eat - bar the chips from the nearby-ish takeaway. Nothing. This got me out of the habit. It also got me into the habit of enjoying not feeling like an outcast for the way I ate.

This may sound like an If you Can't Beat 'em Join' em argument. It is not intended to be. For all intents and purposes - these days - where I put my money is 95% vegan food. In our house we cook and eat vegan. If I go out with friends I try to get the vegan option. If there is no vegan option I get a vegetarian one. If someone gives me food and it is vegetarian I will eat it. I would love to call myself vegan and get the nods and kudos from my brave, clever, awesome vegan friends and acquaintances - but I cannot label myself as such because my love of people and ease of transactions influences about 5% of my intake. Friends have suggested I call myself a semi-vegan, but I want to be honest - I am not militant. I am not going to tell other people what to eat or what not to eat. Yes I am more attracted to similar minds who choose vegetarian or vegan - but I do love people in so many shapes and forms and I want to get on with them, with as much love and understanding as I can. Being completely vegan doesn't quite fit me at present.

If you are vegan and reading this - know I admire you, and as I sometimes roll my eyes when someone tells me they are "pretty much vegetarian" (aside from that meat they eat a few times a week), I can see some of you may be rolling yours at me presently. If you eat meat and you feel judged by my post - know I love you for who you are and respect your choices (I just might think you were a wee bit hotter if they resembled mine more closely - but hey - who doesn't think like that?). If you are like me - let me know. I am keen for those of us who actually think about this stuff to be more united and less nit-picky of each other - just as I feel about the various left-wing factions... Let us communicate, not pre-judge.

My argument is hard to write down here, because it is more felt than articulated as thoughts. Basically I want to do what I can within my values without alienating others - and for me being a conscientious vegetarian who eats very little that isn't vegan, and mostly out of convenience and fellow human compassion, suits me just fine at the moment.

Peace love and lentils.

Aaaand... The revisited part: I am vegan now. Have been for a couple of months. I went to a conference where I'd ticked the Vegetarian box - and lo and behold the first meal was quiche. I realised that if I wasn't vegan, I was actively opting into eating large amounts of dairy and eggs in situations like this. I didn't want to do that anymore. Don't want to. This time I will not be falling off any wagon. I will not be consuming any yoghert. I still love people - and recognise we all make different choices for different reasons. It is actually ridiculously easy to be vegan in Wellington. It is especially easy when you have some lovely vegan friends. On hanging out with more vegans I have found that they were not rolling their eyes when we said we were vegetarian - they were crying inside. They don't think they're better than other people - they think all animals are equal and feel sad and angry when others don't think that too. They also recognise their privilege. They're beautiful, thoughtful individuals and I'm really happy to be among them. What they also know is that "free range" and "cruelty free" are not enough. They know that on egg and dairy farms animals are killed at the drop of a hat for various reasons. I've seen some footage from a free range chicken farm that would make your hair curl... They just know stuff and choose not to ignore it. I dare people to hang out with more vegans!

I still love my omnivore friends of course! In fact tonight - two of them, meat eaters even, bought nibbles for our hangout - and they not only made sure they got some vegan snacks so I could join in - they got them All vegan - so that I could eat anything just like them. So I'm not being a pain in the arse - I'm simply providing more opportunities to show love like my friends did tonight. And I appreciate the hell out of it!


<3

Protest

I often catch myself wondering why I do things. I mean, not just why, but Really? Why? What are my truuuuue motivations for doing what I do? Questions like these can be hard to answer. You can hit blocks that fulfill the ego but bounce off the shiny veneer on the actual hideous truth. You can lie to yourself while thinking you're truthing! (thanks Lee Hazlewood) If I may be so bold - we all do it, yeah? Well I've decided to ask myself something I have asked myself before, many times, and see how honest I can be with myself about it.

Why do I go to Protests?

The first reasons that pop up for me are: They're fun; Signs are often funny; I like people; I like belonging to a group of people who agree on something; they make you feel like you're doing something.

Now, if I may, I'll dissect each one of these reasons. These rabbit holes may go deep...

1. They're fun: Why are they fun? Because you get to yell; you get to dress up sometimes; you get to see lots of pretty people with cool brains; you get to prepare for them and build up excitement leading up to the day; you get to feel all self-righteous and endorphiny...

2. Signs are often funny: They are; you get to feel all smart 'n' stuff for getting it; you get to feel even smarter and more awesomer if you actually write a good sign and people get it and laugh and give you approving looks.

3. I like people: I do; there's often attractive people there with similar interests; I get to be, for some people, an attractive person there with similar interests to them; it makes you realise that some people don't suck as much as those other ones...

4. I like belonging to a group of people who agree on something: I think it's a fundamental human trait - the want to belong - so for me a protest holds this desire up and dances with it; you get to feel like you're one of the smart ones in an outside-protest-ocean of not-so-smarties (mix'n up my metaphors!); you get to channel common anger into a big-ol communal anger purge (see 1.); it certainly makes your feelings feel more justified 'cos y'know - everyone's doin' it; you can be supportive and feel supported; it can remind you that not all humans suck or are completely self-interested (Honesty check - Question = do I actually want others to have a good time or is it just because I feel good when others do so therefore it's really for me? *Insert many and varied rabbit-holesque tangential and often contradictory thought-structures and arguments here* Answer = I don't actually know); You get to feel like these other cool people will like you and think you're cool too. *Runs off and has moral and as a result existential crisis*...

5. They make you feel like you're doing something: You're not; yes you are; no you're not; yes.... Wait... What are you doing? You're attending a group event and feeling some communal love and catharsis and feeling just a bit of hope that maybe the higher-ups will listen and something will change and the thing that was shit won't be so shit anymore... The jury is probably out on whether or not protest is actually effective - it's certainly affective, but effective... well it depends on what you want it to accomplish. Many will now be thinking of the anti-mining (on schedule four land) march in Auckland in 2010 that attracted what Stuff says was 50,000 people to it. It. Was. Big. Many believe it was effective as the plans to survey the land were (at least publicly) dropped following that protest. Many will argue that they were "dropped" due to other pressures and arbitrary reasons. Many will argue that it was a combination. We may never know. What we do know though is that thousands of people came together and united on an issue that will probably affect their grandchildren, and that humans are in a self-perpetuating cycle of re-spawning for the sake of it so have to at least look like we care about the thrice-removed Me Replacements that are still to come. So if nothing else - it serves that good old purpose of giving life a reason to be lived.

I think I have just managed to sound both cynical and hopeful at once. Go me. I like protests.

Triumph and Disaster

If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster And treat those two impostors just the same -Rudyard Kipling

First of all, what does this quote mean? To decide this I will choose what each of the two nouns means. What is triumph? What is disaster? 

I see a triumph, in this context, as a personal victory - something that has happened that feels so gosh-darn good. From this comes a feeling that makes you wonder that you could ever feel bad ever again. It's glorious.

I see a disaster then, as the opposite. Something has happened that makes everything around it feel terrible. The worst possible outcome has occurred - it can bring with it feelings of hopelessness, frustration, grief, or it can be any of those in itself. It's awful and you may wonder if you'll ever feel good again.

Now, why are they impostors? What is in-authentic about them? Doesn't it seem negative to suggest that events that bring glory and absolute joy are not real? Ask my friend who had just finished his last year of art school, and who had hung his final work and sold some of it, making back some of his costs and gaining recognition as an artist. He was feeling pretty darned great when I directed this quote at him. I had not quite anticipated that he would not take it so well, and basically tell me where I could shove my unsolicited and annoying advice. Clearly my timing on that one was poor, and from this I've learnt a lesson. However, what I actually meant to convey was that I could see he was on a high that he would come down from at some stage in the few days post the exhibition. I could see that banal everyday experience would not compare to this landmark in his life, and I didn't want him to look unfavourably on the rest of his experiences. I wanted him to appreciate them too. Unfortunately my timing was whack, and my point was lost.

Those times of triumph are great, but everything can be great. Regular life doesn't have to pale in comparison, or we're always just looking forward to the next big thing and not really being in the present.

Now, why is disaster something else in disguise? It may be because every bad thing that could ever happen has an opportunity inside it. Granted, it feels as though this should probably only apply to everyday disasters like not getting that job, or burning the cookies for that important meeting. It seems ridiculous to suggest that someone dying is only disaster in disguise, as it is a long-term affliction - but it, like everything, does contain opportunity to grow. I have recently been through a disaster, which has prompted this post. My flat has had to make a very difficult decision and have somebody forcibly evicted. It is a complex situation and nobody has taken any part of it lightly. It has felt disastrous to many degrees. There are two wonderful things however that have come from it. One is that the evicted flatmate will now receive the care he needs, and be in a space that is actually suitable for him to be able to heal and grow. The other is not the obvious benefit - that he is no longer our problem to have to deal with, despite not being qualified - but that we have bonded as a flat. We have seen each other in revealing new lights and reached agreements and been relatively patient and warm towards each other. I will take growth from this disaster.

We can establish here that triumph is great, but need not be better than everyday life, and that disaster is terrible but need not be worse than everyday life. We can also establish that it may be best to pull out this wisdom when someone is experiencing disaster, rather than triumph! It will be better received.

So, why then should we treat the two the same? Don't we enjoy the highs and lows of life? Don't we get addicted to complaining, or to feeling the adrenaline rush of a disappointment reaffirming our self-righteousness? Don't we just feel so good when we score a goal, or kiss a crush, or sell a painting? The two extremes are just that - extremes. This makes them the same. They are also both usually very temporary, which means they are not necessarily real.

I believe this piece of wisdom is about seeing the simple joys in the everyday as triumph enough, and about appreciating these simple joys even when the thrill of any glory has worn off. I believe it is about not taking perceived disasters so seriously and finding the opportunity in them to build on those simple joys.

It is about leaving the extremes and accepting the beauty of each moment. All the time. Now.

Good and Bad

It has been approximately four months since my last confession... I mean blog post. I had been cooking one up ready to put lots of thought into, and then I lost my notes. That may have something to do with me having moved from Dunedin to Wellington just one week ago.

It has taken me to go through a city move and a break up to finally get here and announce something you already figured out years ago - we must take the bad with the good. I mean it though - how many times this week have you become really annoyed or upset because something has not gone your way? Probably more than you think... I'll borrow a sentiment from Ekhart Tolle - that when something crap happens and we feel bad in any way about it - we are doubling our suffering. That's right! We could go through the unpleasant thing and accept it and do what we can to mitigate the situation, or we could feel terrible about it and wallow in self pity for a time. I don't know about you but I all too often do the latter.

A week ago I moved to Wellington. On that same day I broke up with my partner of almost a year. To be honest I feel overwhelmed, upset, aggrieved, hurt, angry, confused, lost, stressed, disgusted... I could go on. I can choose to sit here and cry, I can choose to accept what has happened and work on my situation, I can choose to get angry and smash things. I can't choose whether or not something disagreeable has already happened to me, and I can't choose to make it un-happen. Which of the three things I suggested that I can choose, do you think would be the most healthy and cause the least suffering? Well duh! It's obvious! I need to choose to accept it and move on!

Of course, some of you will be thinking "yeah... but it's not that easy". I agree. It's not easy. The grief surges up on me and I instantly feel gut-chemical misery. I'm not sure you can just tell that to go away. Yet, you can recognise that it is a natural part of life. You know what I mean - the grass is always greener and all that - we want what we can't have all the time. We are with someone and all we can see is how they should change, and then we are not and we feel like maybe if we had changed ourselves..? We study to get that degree to get in that career, we get in and then we miss the student lifestyle. We eat the savory and then we want the sweet. We eat the sweet and then we feel sick. We drink to fit in and then we get drunk and say stupid things. We leave the small town for the opportunities, and then we get to the big city and we are overwhelmed by the choices.

Humans are almost impossible to satisfy.

I think we might be built that way on purpose. Can you imagine always getting what you want when you want it? Does that thought feel good? I think if we had that we would get bored of it. I think half the people who are looking for secure relationships would get bored if they had one. I think most of us, if we had the body we wanted, we'd just find flaws and not appreciate it anyway. I also think this is good.

*Did she just say she thinks suffering is good? - She cray cray!*

I think it is good because it means if bad things happen - we can truly appreciate when good things happen. If I am so unwealthy that I eat only noodles for a month, aside from the ongoing health problems associated with such a poor diet, I am sure going to appreciate a big falafel kebab at the end of the week. If I have delicious things like that every day, I am going to start expecting it and become complacent and quite probably ungrateful. All this seems so simple right? If bad happens, accept it and move on: appreciate good things when they come along. But you know what? Most of us forget to do these. We're constantly searching, waiting, wondering what will come next - and if we're trying to make things happen we're often too fast, too impatient. So we get disappointed easily and often, and then we do the old Tolle thing and double our suffering. We get upset that we're upset! How would it be if we realised that we need those times of upset? How would it be if we tried to enjoy them? I don't mean in a masochistic way of course, I mean in the way that we enjoy popping pimples - we know it's gross but it's kinda entertaining. We know the times are bad, but they have some value. They are real challenges that we can learn from, and when they are over we can feel really very good - because as humans, even though things are most often grey, we tend to need the black to see the white.

I'll leave you with three things to consider. The first is a film called My Dinner with Andre; The second is a paraphrased Kipling quote that my dear friend Kieran has shared with me on numerous occasions: "When met with triumph or disaster - treat these two impostors just the same". The third is a quote from Spock himself: "You may find that having is not so pleasing a thing, after all, as wanting. It is not logical, but it is often true."

Death and Life

Kia ora.

It has been about seven months since my last post. Sounds like a confession huh? In a way it is. See, I'm a really good procrastinator. If there was a profession that required sound procrastination skills I would be a Professor of it. Sounds familiar doesn't it? You're a procrastinator too aren't you? Yes... Seems to be a sign of our times.

This post is sort of about procrastination. Sort of. You see - I procrastinate mainly because I don't know how to start things. I don't know how to start this blog post, so I'm rambling. How about I jump straight in?

I'm dying.

Relax folks, so are you. We all are. The thing is we're also living. We're doing both! There is your proof right there that seeing things in black and white is probably not terribly useful. According to the film I saw the other night it is that black and white attitude that we cultivate for the purpose of being right - making our culture the right one - so that it lives on after us and makes us in that sense immortal.

Back up the truck girl - what are you talking about? Okay, so I saw a film the other night called "Flight from Death: The Quest for Immortality". At first I didn't want to watch it because I have what I regard to be an intense fear of death, well, rather of non-existence. My partner assured me though that it might be cathartic - and in a way it was. I still fear non-existence, but I look at life quite differently. The film is based on the writings of anthropologist Ernest Becker, who won a Pulitzer Prize for his book "Denial of Death". The film uncovers the researched and peer-reviewed theory that we create/cling to/get stuck in our culture as a means to immortality. This means we join a religion/political party/institution/organisation/social group for more than just the company and the ideas - we join it because it has a culture that will outlive us - so we can be part of something that is immortal, or will at least last a lot longer than our physical breathing body. It goes on to say that this fear of death, or rather, denial of it - is what causes us to go to war, to have conflicts, to argue tooth and nail with others that our culture is THE RIGHT ONE. You see, if your religion is wrong, if your institution is having you live under false values, you are not part of the group that will live forever. So you have to be right. And you'll do whatever you can to prove it.

The research collected various people's reactions to questionnaires and actions in response to tests. In half of the questionnaires and tests, the subjects were reminded of their own mortality. The other half did not have these reminders. The results were that those who were reminded of their own imminent death, were much more likely to respond with violent language or mean intentions toward those with different religious views or cultures. They were also much less likely to desecrate symbols of their culture. There were various tests so I won't go into all of them, but what they suggested is that people, when reminded they will one day die, are more likely to do whatever they can to preserve their own culture, values, beliefs. They used 9/11 as an example, to great affect.

To see what I am on about I strongly recommend you see this film. If you can't get hold of it, it is available in sections on Youtube. What it has meant for me is that I now view life in quite a different way. I look at others' cultures and beliefs with a new empathy. I look at my own life with a new focus - on making others' lives as wonderful as I personally can. This is because we are all afraid. We all look to culture for meaning. We can all feel as though life has no meaning unless we give it some - and we often feel as though we are not personally qualified to do so. We look to the mass understandings and forget to look within. I am looking within, and I am seeing a burning desire to have empathy and compassion for others because they are me and I am them. Regardless of culture. Regardless of religion. Regardless of differences. We all live and we all die and we can all make our lives meaningful and beautiful for ourselves and for others.


Kia kaha.

Nga mihi nui.

P.S. I'll talk more about procrastination next time...

Understanding

You may have noticed (or not noticed - given your life doesn't revolve around my blog posts) that I've not written for a couple of weeks. You see (hedging) - I've been waiting for a better understanding of understanding - so that I can profess to understand anything about understanding at all.

What is understanding? Here is what the Oxford dictionary online says - word-for-word:

noun

[mass noun]

• 1the ability to understand something; comprehension: foreign visitors with little understanding of English
• the power of abstract thought; intellect: a child of sufficient intelligence and understanding
• an individual’s perception or judgement of a situation: my understanding was that he would find a new supplier

• 2sympathetic awareness or tolerance: he wrote with understanding and affection of the people of Dent

• 3 [count noun] an informal or unspoken agreement or arrangement: he and I have an understanding he had only been allowed to come on the understanding that he would be on his best behaviour

adjective

• 1sympathetically aware of other people’s feelings; tolerant and forgiving: a kind and understanding man people expect their doctor to be understanding

• 2 archaic having insight or good judgement. 

Brilliant! This fits my argument perfectly. My argument, to continue from my last post, is that we cannot know anything - yet I think we can understand things. If we're dealing with people - I suggest we can't have the nouns without the adjectives. If we're to be holistic (bloody hippie) we probably need to have the power of abstract thought, insight and good judgement, sympathetic awareness and tolerance, and we need to be them.

This is my job as a teacher I think. I can't just teach people what things are. I want them to understand what things are. Or at least understand why we think things are what they are - and what everyone understands them to be - and why. This doesn't happen when people are part-time understanders. (Yes - I invented a word) I want to teach people how to be understanding. Actually, I have to change the wording around that - because I can't teach anyone how to be anything. People learn things themselves - and all we can do is plant the seeds, or show them how to plant the seeds themselves. This is what understanding is - it's personal, and it's universal - all at once.

Teaching, believe it or not, is up with the play on this philosophy now. It recognises that everything is subjective, and that our individual realities are constructed by our experiences. The key, and I'm still figuring this out, so bear with me, is to understand this in a universal context. There is a very long rabbit hole to go down with this - so watch this space!

Truth

Since my last post I've been thinking about the existence of truth.

Is there an objective truth? Most of us think so, I wager. Many spend their lives trying to find it. Are you one of those people? The people who are on a constant quest for knowledge, truth, and understanding? The question I pose to you now is why? Why are you spending your life looking for this truth to know and understand?

I'll tell you why I'm not.

Life on this planet, as I currently understand it, is finite. Humans have created our fortunes and now we are creating our end. Plain and simple - we are killing ourselves with our lifestyles of fat, sugar, and fossil fuels. The planet doesn't need saving - we do. Papatuanuku will right herself again when we're gone. I think this because I believe if earthworms disappeared overnight - everything would stop growing and the planet would get very sick indeed..... if humans disappeared overnight - the planet would flourish. This is my truth. It might not be the ultimate truth, or it might be, I don't know. I'm not going to spend decades trying to find out. Instead I'm going to act on what I think is happening - because I don't think I have the luxury of illusory time.

I'm not going to do this by recycling, using my compost bin, or buying biocups and plates etc. I do these things because they're better than the alternatives - but I'm under no illusion that the newspaper recycling bins in the Air NZ terminal will mitigate the millennially-captured-sun-energy I just used on the plane. Some scientists are saying we're at the peak of no return re climate change anyway. I'm going to do this by fine-tuning my social justice scruples and looking after my fellow human.

Now, how does this relate back to the topic of truth? I don't know if anything is true. I don't know if we can save our people from extinction. I don't know if we're even on the verge of it. I do know (oh dear - someone's gonna hang me for claiming to know something) that cause and effect seems to exist - and is quite useful. Cause: you help your fellow human in a positive, non-environmentally degrading way - Effect: your fellow human has an awesome time and passes it on. This may be karma, this may be good faith, this may be simple opportunistic point-scoring - but it's not sitting around wondering what the truth is before we act.

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