or "A whole bunch of boring crap about me"
Over the last few months I have carefully constructed for myself a small bubble in which to live. I've started a new Facebook profile and tried to keep it to people I really know, who I feel I have enough in common with. This is largely because I've learned a great deal more about intersectionality than I could ever have imagined - so I am a lot more sensitive to all of the oppressions our society perpetuates. This means I can tolerate fewer and fewer people based on their willful ignorance of these issues and their insistence that actually listening to oppressed individuals when they share their lived experiences - and being sensitive to their preferences as humans - is being "PC".
I've become more aware of my introversion, so I have embraced it. I wish I'd known that I was an introvert ten years ago, and that it was okay to be one - I just needed to be alone more often to prevent me from being an asshole! Revelation.
I have taken the step from vegetarianism to veganism - so I find it hard to go out and eat with certain individuals because we have to go to specific places, and they have held this against me and have accused me of preaching. Yep - that led to a friendship break-up.
I have quit drinking for health reasons. I don't really eat cane sugar anymore - also for health reasons.
I have a new life with new friends and I have lost touch with some friends I feel I have little to talk about with anymore. Friends who want to talk about other people instead of issues that are important to us. I just don't want to do that anymore.
I have low tolerance for people who can't meet me halfway now. I can't go the whole way across to them if they are unwilling to even move an inch for me. I just don't have the energy for it.
I have a fun but unstable job that brings with it the illusion of security because they like me and try to give me lots of work.It's actually casual and on-call, and conditional on me getting a real teaching job very soon. I am so comfortable and overwhelmed by the idea of challenging myself that I am not applying for real jobs.
I've been wrestling with my political ideology and whether or not I can continue helping out the Greens when I am leaning more and more towards calling myself an anarchist. In the party I see more and more careerism and game-playing, popularity contests, power plays and unspoken tensions that shut down issues and silence people - these do not interest me. Political parties are full of this. Our parliamentary system is just an offshoot of Big Corruption.
A lot of vegans are self-righteous dicks.
I am losing my faith in men. I don't want to be objectified or feel self conscious about my body or feel like I have to explain why I don't shave my legs and ask if they "mind". I don't want anyone who does not align with my values. No one is better than just anyone.
I've invested energy in people and causes for so long and given so much emotionally to people and causes, and had this mostly backfire.
I've recognised I suffer from anxiety and that I need complete control over what I do. I cannot be pressured or micromanaged. I cannot work in a group unless I am heard.
I have discovered that I need to do less in order to have energy for even myself.
I have two flatmates who I consider to be my best friends. They let me be all of the above. All of the time. I have never had this kind of community before. We tell each other almost everything. We can admit weakness to each other. We laugh at the same things. We are complete dorks all the time. We have in-jokes. We talk about important issues (and okay, people too - but usually in a constructive way). We build each other up and make sure each of us is feeling valued. We are honest with each other.
We are family.
I never had this kind of relationship growing up. I never had this kind of security. There were times (okay most of the time) where I had no friends at all. I never had in-jokes. I never had a clique. I was always on the outside - but I was trying to get in. I was making an effort to be out there. That is how I managed to make friends from high school to the present day - by connecting with individuals. These individuals were often not in the same group. They were from all over the place. This is why up until now I had never felt like I belonged to a circle. I never completely belonged anywhere. Until now.
The one negative thing about being in a small bubble where I have shut out all that doesn't interest me - is that I have also shut out possibilities and opportunities. I have isolated myself in a comfortable holding pattern.
But I am getting restless.
I love my flatmates and I love my job, don't get me wrong. I am just so used to being that person who has friends from all over the place. I still do have these friends but they mostly live in other cities now. The thing is that while I'm quite introverted and need autonomy, I am also a social animal. I just find my tolerance for bullshit has gone riiiiiiiight down.
So my world has become very small.
I live in a bubble.
This is about why my bubble has gone from being a safe haven to a prison. I now spend too much time alone. The thing I most look forward to most days is escaping to my room at night to watch a movie or read.
I am using my introversion as an excuse to be an asshole. If someone calls me on my abruptness, I acknowledge that Yes - I have a problem with that. It's a known issue and I'm working on it. Truth be told - I am not working very hard on it. My "working on it" consists of me kicking myself every time I realise that I have Done It Again and the promising myself I will try to be more gentle next time. I use the fact that I have anxiety issues to not do much. I call it "looking after myself". I have laziness apologists all around me who insist that "you have to look after yourself". This always feels so dishonest. Whenever I am outside work, all I do is look after myself. It gets comfortable and it's a dangerous place to get stuck.
I think I don't get invited to certain things by certain people anymore because I don't drink and I'm a difficult eater. I think because I have made all of these choices for my life that people feel like I am judging them for not making the same choices. People feel like they have to be defensive when I am around - like I am going to be that holier-then-thou person. This misperception gets in my way a lot. People purposely don't sit with me in the staffroom because they think I can't handle them eating meat. ETC. I actually avoid such topics as veganism with non vegans because I don't want that to happen. I don't want people to feel less than, or judged or like they can't be themselves around me. I'd rather connect than argue.
I have lost touch with friends who are also friends with people I have "ditched" or who have ditched me.
I am being very very lazy and blaming it on feeling overwhelmed. I'm not challenging myself. I'm not branching out. I'm in a hole.
I want to climb out of this hole. I want to admit that I need new friends every few months - in addition to my existing ones. It's just who I am. I want to admit that I actually kinda do want to meet a guy, but I don't want just any guy. I also don't want to look for one. I don't want one that badly, and I certainly don't need one to feel complete! But it would be nice to meet someone I can connect with and share values with. Chick flicks and Romantic Comedies have given me an unrealistic sense of entitlement on this one. Where is he? Oh, that's right - he probably doesn't exist because the universe is vast and uncaring and I am but a mere speck of stardust. Stars by the way are NOT romantic. They are mineral build-ups that are reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaally unbelievably far away - and they die.
Having said all of this, you don't meet people by staying in your house all the time.
Another problem is that I am arrogant and condescending. I am too knee-jerk about things being "right" that I jump on people to correct them. I think it's because that's where my confidence lies - if I know something I will articulate it so that I can feel like I have something to contribute. Something. Even if it is a pain in the ass and alienates people. I'm over this. I really am.
So from this convoluted mess of a post I can deduce that I have used the word "I" a lot more than is going to be interesting to anyone who is not me.But maybe it will (here I go - gonna be condescending and offer unsolicited advice AGAIN) maybe it will resonate with someone. Even one person. And they will know that this bubble life, while it has its perks, is not a sustainable way of life. Shutting people out has consequences. It might feel easier and more empowering - but it's isolating and limiting and detrimental to one's health in the long run. I'm not going to burst it though - because once you're inside it's really hard to get out. I don't even really know how to connect to people anymore without being offended at language and imagery that is considered normal and is normative.
I will take baby steps. It's all I can do. I will stretch the bubble a bit. Maybe make it a bit bigger. Who knows? The possibilities are actually endless.
