Life from inside a bubble

 or "A whole bunch of boring crap about me"

Over the last few months I have carefully constructed for myself a small bubble in which to live. I've started a new Facebook profile and tried to keep it to people I really know, who I feel I have enough in common with. This is largely because I've learned a great deal more about intersectionality than I could ever have imagined - so I am a lot more sensitive to all of the oppressions our society perpetuates. This means I can tolerate fewer and fewer people based on their willful ignorance of these issues and their insistence that actually listening to oppressed individuals when they share their lived experiences - and being sensitive to their preferences as humans - is being "PC".
I've become more aware of my introversion, so I have embraced it. I wish I'd known that I was an introvert ten years ago, and that it was okay to be one - I just needed to be alone more often to prevent me from being an asshole! Revelation.
I have taken the step from vegetarianism to veganism - so I find it hard to go out and eat with certain individuals because we have to go to specific places, and they have held this against me and have accused me of preaching. Yep - that led to a friendship break-up.
I have quit drinking for health reasons. I don't really eat cane sugar anymore - also for health reasons.
I have a new life with new friends and I have lost touch with some friends I feel I have little to talk about with anymore. Friends who want to talk about other people instead of issues that are important to us. I just don't want to do that anymore.
I have low tolerance for people who can't meet me halfway now. I can't go the whole way across to them if they are unwilling to even move an inch for me. I just don't have the energy for it.
I have a fun but unstable job that brings with it the illusion of security  because they like me and try to give me lots of work.It's actually casual and on-call, and conditional on me getting a real teaching job very soon. I am so comfortable and overwhelmed by the idea of challenging myself that I am not applying for real jobs.
I've been wrestling with my political ideology and whether or not I can continue helping out the Greens when I am leaning more and more towards calling myself an anarchist. In the party I see more and more careerism and game-playing, popularity contests, power plays and unspoken tensions that shut down issues and silence people - these do not interest me. Political parties are full of this. Our parliamentary system is just an offshoot of Big Corruption.
A lot of vegans are self-righteous dicks.
I am losing my faith in men. I don't want to be objectified or feel self conscious about my body or feel like I have to explain why I don't shave my legs and ask if they "mind". I don't want anyone who does not align with my values. No one is better than just anyone.
I've invested energy in people and causes for so long and given so much emotionally to people and causes, and had this mostly backfire.
I've recognised I suffer from anxiety and that I need complete control over what I do. I cannot be pressured or micromanaged. I cannot work in a group unless I am heard.
I have discovered that I need to do less in order to have energy for even myself.

I have two flatmates who I consider to be my best friends. They let me be all of the above. All of the time. I have never had this kind of community before. We tell each other almost everything. We can admit weakness to each other. We laugh at the same things. We are complete dorks all the time. We have in-jokes. We talk about important issues (and okay, people too - but usually in a constructive way). We build each other up and make sure each of us is feeling valued. We are honest with each other.
We are family.
I never had this kind of relationship growing up. I never had this kind of security. There were times (okay most of the time) where I had no friends at all. I never had in-jokes. I never had a clique. I was always on the outside - but I was trying to get in. I was making an effort to be out there. That is how I managed to make friends from high school to the present day - by connecting with individuals. These individuals were often not in the same group. They were from all over the place. This is why up until now I had never felt like I belonged to a circle. I never completely belonged anywhere. Until now.

The one negative thing about being in a small bubble where I have shut out all that doesn't interest me - is that I have also shut out possibilities and opportunities. I have isolated myself in a comfortable holding pattern.
But I am getting restless.
I love my flatmates and I love my job, don't get me wrong. I am just so used to being that person who has friends from all over the place. I still do have these friends but they mostly live in other cities now. The thing is that while I'm quite introverted and need autonomy, I am also a social animal. I just find my tolerance for bullshit has gone riiiiiiiight down.

So my world has become very small.
I live in a bubble.

This is about why my bubble has gone from being a safe haven to a prison. I now spend too much time alone. The thing I most look forward to most days is escaping to my room at night to watch a movie or read.
I am using my introversion as an excuse to be an asshole. If someone calls me on my abruptness, I acknowledge that Yes - I have a problem with that. It's a known issue and I'm working on it. Truth be told - I am not working very hard on it. My "working on it" consists of me kicking myself every time I realise that I have Done It Again and the promising myself I will try to be more gentle next time. I use the fact that I have anxiety issues to not do much. I call it "looking after myself". I have laziness apologists all around me who insist that "you have to look after yourself". This always feels so dishonest. Whenever I am outside work, all I do is look after myself. It gets comfortable and it's a dangerous place to get stuck.

I think I don't get invited to certain things by certain people anymore because I don't drink and I'm a difficult eater. I think because I have made all of these choices for my life that people feel like I am judging them for not making the same choices. People feel like they have to be defensive when I am around - like I am going to be that holier-then-thou person. This misperception gets in my way a lot. People purposely don't sit with me in the staffroom because they think I can't handle them eating meat. ETC. I actually avoid such topics as veganism with non vegans because I don't want that to happen. I don't want people to feel less than, or judged or like they can't be themselves around me. I'd rather connect than argue.

I have lost touch with friends who are also friends with people I have "ditched" or who have ditched me.

I am being very very lazy and blaming it on feeling overwhelmed. I'm not challenging myself. I'm not branching out. I'm in a hole.

I want to climb out of this hole. I want to admit that I need new friends every few months - in addition to my existing ones. It's just who I am. I want to admit that I actually kinda do want to meet a guy, but I don't want just any guy. I also don't want to look for one. I don't want one that badly, and I certainly don't need one to feel complete! But it would be nice to meet someone I can connect with and share values with. Chick flicks and Romantic Comedies have given me an unrealistic sense of entitlement on this one. Where is he? Oh, that's right - he probably doesn't exist because the universe is vast and uncaring and I am but a mere speck of stardust. Stars by the way are NOT romantic. They are mineral build-ups that are reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaally unbelievably far away - and they die.
Having said all of this, you don't meet people by staying in your house all the time.

Another problem is that I am arrogant and condescending. I am too knee-jerk about things being "right" that I jump on people to correct them. I think it's because that's where my confidence lies - if I know something I will articulate it so that I can feel like I have something to contribute. Something. Even if it is a pain in the ass and alienates people. I'm over this. I really am.

 So from this convoluted mess of a post I can deduce that I have used the word "I" a lot more than is going to be interesting to anyone who is not me.But maybe it will (here I go - gonna be condescending and offer unsolicited advice AGAIN) maybe it will resonate with someone. Even one person. And they will know that this bubble life, while it has its perks, is not a sustainable way of life. Shutting people out has consequences. It might feel easier and more empowering - but it's isolating and limiting and detrimental to one's health in the long run. I'm not going to burst it though - because once you're inside it's really hard to get out. I don't even really know how to connect to people anymore without being offended at language and imagery that is considered normal and is normative.

I will take baby steps. It's all I can do. I will stretch the bubble a bit. Maybe make it a bit bigger. Who knows? The possibilities are actually endless.

Why I Won't Just Play Nice

"Why can't we all just get along?" (Hereby known as WCWAJGA). I see this all the time online and hear it all the time in person. People don't usually explicitly say these words - but something to their effect. Why can't we all just get along?

It seems straightforward enough right? Let's forget our differences and move on and be nice humans because that all feels much nicer. No issues here. Smile and wave. Why are you not smiling and waving? Oh, you're going to continue to not smile and wave - okay - let me shut down this whole thing because it doesn't conform to the image I have of my nice bright shiny world-view. Now, on with my smiling and waving. Oh - so that person you were refusing to smile and wave at has just done something devastating to someone else, but let's just sweep that under the carpet - I'm not even sure if it's even true even. Anyway. I'm still not going to talk to you. You don't play nice.

Life doesn't play nice. There are inequities and oppressions all around us. There is cognitive dissonance ruling our governments and wallets and dinner plates and wardrobes and workplaces and, well, anywhere else you look. Things are nasty out there and in here. It may well feel better to block it all out - how else to we get through our day to day? I block things out all the time just to get through all the things I have to do in life. I focus on good things as much as I can. If you don't, you fall through the cracks and it can be very difficult to grab onto shards to climb back up. They cut as you grab. So, yes - wanting to focus on the good and trying to be decent human beings to one another is very very important. There is a lot of good to be celebrated. The trouble is that some people refuse to engage with the bad things, and go so far as to condemn those who do. That is actually one really good way to make life even worse and more dystopic than it already can be.

It often happens on the Wellington Vegans facebook page - someone posts some nice speech on why it's good to go vegan - I have no issues with this. It's uplifting and at the same time reaffirms our beliefs and makes us feel like the "right" ones. Everyone loves that right? And then someone comes along and points out that the speaker in the video is actually a bigot, or a misogynist, or an apologist/advocate of something abhorrent like sexual violence - and when I see that I am a little disappointed that a speaker with such great presence and great points has such a dodgy attitude in other areas, but I engage with it - because I understand that one speech does not a messiah make. I'm okay with knowing that a great speaker is also a great asshole - nothing new right? I can move on from this, and not think of that person in a good light anymore - no big deal. I don't need to hang on to them as a symbol of hope. Some people however, feel the need to jump down the throat of whoever the brave soul was that pointed out that this speaker has some very offensive and triggering views. Some people say things like "Oh come on! That was in the past! He's a great guy now." Cool story. Citation needed. When you say that people who eat meat/wear fur should have their family brutally violated - you're not a great guy. Especially when it was just last year that you made statements like this. Yet the person on the facebook thread who brought up these statements has now become the problem. The whistle blower is in the stocks. This is classic WCWAJGA. This happens all the time on the Wellington Vegans page - and it makes no sense to me, because we vegans are used to being the ones accused of breaking the peace by telling too many inconvenient truths. As it happens we do it to each other.

We can't all just get along because we all have different views. Those of us who bring up the nasty underbelly of the shiny things are not usually trying to bring people down - we are not trying to be mean to the people that still believe in the shiny things - we are trying to show another side to it so that people can make more informed decisions about what they subscribe to in life. The person in the above Wellington Vegans situation (of which there are many) is accused of being mean and "sniping" at other people in the thread because she points out that a guy who gave a good speech - who none of us even know personally - just happens to have very questionable views with regard to what it's okay to do to another human being for their beliefs. I find it incredibly frustrating that when I try to point out on this thread that my friend has not actually been mean - but has pointed out inconvenient and horrible truths - I am then accused of being one of the "snipers". We can't all just get along because some people refuse to acknowledge that there is even a problem in the first place and shoot any messengers that try to tell them otherwise. Your attitude of wanting us to all get along at the expense of robust discussion and important information sharing actually makes it harder to all get along. You wanting to keep your bubble safe actually makes the bubble we share far less safe - and not just for the rest of us - but for you too.

This happens in all communities, but it is particularly alarming and upsetting when it happens in activist communities. Discussion is shut down because it paints someone powerful in a bad light, or because it gets in the way of convenient arrangements, and then we might have to actually do something about it. This makes for unsafe spaces and is often the reason that some activists break off from these groups. The very action of shutting down a topic because it compromises the feeling of safety in the group - makes people leave the "safe" space, and often this means they become insular because they don't know anyone else who shares the views that their old group did - so they are alone in their views - in a very big scary world. These events are the Sex Ed of activist life. They are the climate change of domestic life. Why give condoms if you don't want people to have sex? Why openly agree with climate change if you have to try and do something about it? Well, this is the same attitude repeating itself - Why let people offer new information to make our space safer if you don't want to discuss that new information because it doesn't feel nice, and/or you might have to change something? Same attitude.

I am not suggesting that it is a good idea to be a constant downer on everything - nobody likes to be around someone who kills the buzz at every turn. I am suggesting, however, that it's not a good idea to turn a blind eye when something threatens to wipe some of the rose tint from your glasses. It's an even worse idea to kick the person with the glasses cleaner in the gut and tell them to shut up and stop being mean. Worse still, is then shutting the whole thing down altogether - taking the entire discussion off the table because you were so attached to the initial idea. If we all did that - nothing would change. Nobody would be safe. Nobody would feel okay pointing out any oppressions or crimes or even alarm bells. Some of us have to, because most of us are too scared to now - because of the self-policing nature of people in fear. The people who want to play nice are afraid, the people who point out why we can't just play nice are afraid. Safe bubble is no longer safe.

I believe we need to have these discussions. We need to take on more information and not attack those who share it with us. We need to listen to each other and understand that what feels safer for us to sweep under the carpet might actually make a space less safe for others. I would love us all to just get along - it's what's really in my nature as I hate conflict and I love people. I just see the need for conflicting views to be able come together in a safe space - if they can't. then people don't say what they mean and the status quo continues while the silent knowers among us watch the whole thing burn to the ground. Policing each other's views like that is actually keeping sexism, racism, speciesism, homophobia, xenophobia, fat-phobia, misogyny and a whole bunch of other ugly and insidious world-views alive and well. We have to have the hard discussions now to prevent the harder fall-out later. Otherwise we actively prove many a literary prediction. 1984 anyone?

This is how douchebags continue to get away with douchebaggery. This is why I won't just play nice.