A Confession

Warning: The following may be the biggest load of crap you have ever read. I am starting this piece having no idea what the content will be, or where it will end up. I don't even know what I intend to confess. I just feel like writing something honest, and self-deprecating.

I think what I might be trying to do is explore what the hell I think I am at the moment. First of all, I describe myself as a relief high school teacher. That is what I do with, on average, three days of my week. For the most part I enjoy it. It's actually a real slacker's dream. Yeah I'm calling myself a slacker - for a lot of the time it's what I feel like I am. I don't take on too much, and most of what I take on - I do quite casually. I spend most of my time thinking. I never get bored because there is always something to think about. Sometimes when you're talking to me, I will be thinking instead of listening. Sometimes when I'm in a classroom "teaching", what I am really doing is asking young people to give up what they want to do, and do something pointless instead. Some of them do it. I have a secret respect for the ones that don't. Then I talk to other teachers about their lack of doing - and I'm met with "oh well, it's up to them if they want to work". I sometimes feel like I could go into that classroom and do nothing, all day, every day, and never get fired. Of course, I won't do this. I actually want those young people to challenge themselves - because that's how we find out what we're capable of. I got through teachers' college - so I am probably capable of almost anything. I think most teachers want young people to look up from their clouded hormonal worlds and see that coasting is not the best way to find out what they really are. I think most people are more amazing than they have yet discovered.

I suspect this includes me. You know how people are afraid of failure? Well, I think I'm actually afraid of success. Why else would I put off writing up that grand Civics Education programme that's gonna get me hired by five Wellington schools to deliver classes on a weekly basis? You know, the one where young people learn not only how to participate in our society, but to question it, and even try to change it. Why haven't I written that yet? Partly it is because I am having a break after teacher's college - basically, if I don't want to do something, I'll stop doing it. I didn't want to do my uni papers - so I dropped out. I didn't want to keep getting paid to get petition signatures - so I stopped doing it. This is a great way to live. I'm just wondering why I am not doing all the things I want to do - like writing up that Civics Ed plan, or writing that book, or building that model house, or making those climate change leaflets from the perspective of every street-preaching religion so I have something to exchange with them...

I think I've lost my point. Ah yes, how can I expect students to want to do work that they see no relevance in doing, when I won't even do the things I do see relevance in? Why should I ask those young people not to do those silly things that most of us did that gave us character and taught us the lessons that made us what we are today? When television shows and movies and magazines have such a profound effect on these young people, how can what I do possibly make any difference? The only thing I can come up with, when thinking about it, is that I see through all the crap. I see what is going on most of the time so I will not lie to these young people and tell them to lead straight and narrow lives, or to buckle down and do that school work - because I know that most young people learn what they need to know when they get out and live. I also know that the systems we are preparing them for life in, are corrupt and made mostly of lies. I will never be a careers advisor. The employment skills classes I relieve for sometimes, are the most depressing wastes of time ever. They're not learning about real life by doing a wordfind.

I'm living - I'm having a great time. I'm being easy on myself and letting myself have a break. I'm making myself do new things when opportunities arise, and I'm opening myself up to new possibilities. I'm saying what I want and I'm meeting new people and making new friends. I'm in a new city. I really like my job. I am being a slacker and it's okay because I'm alive. This does not answer my question - you know, the one where I wonder why I'm not doing the things I want to get done - and I don't even know if that was the purpose of this post... I just think we need to let ourselves off the hook more often. The students are doing it - have we forgotten how? I also think if I write up that plan and get that programme in schools, I'll be a very busy woman - I don't know if I'm ready for that yet.

This post is unpostable - but I'm posting it anyway.

Happiness

Every time I get sick I try to remember if I really appreciated being well before this affliction kicked in. Usually the answer is - not nearly enough and damnit I will appreciate it heaps more when I get better! This time the answer is - yes. Yes I did. I have been very happy recently, and I've been counting each blessing as I've realised it exists.

The strange thing about being happy recently is that I've been reading dystopian novels. I dropped out of uni (don't worry I have two degrees, two certificates, a graduate diploma and three casual jobs) and immediately started spending my spare time reading. First I read Margaret Atwood's The Handmaid's Tale, on the recommendation of my flatmate. Good book - basically a feminist 1984. I found this book stirring. Mainly this is because it, being dystopian, took the time to reflect on what happiness once was. Twice in the book the protagonist reflects on the impossibility of knowing before this all happened, that she was actually happy. She asks of her and her partner of the former time: "How were we to know we were happy, even then?" As things do - this got me thinking - and I realised that I was happy. I am happy. I don't want to realise this later - I want to know it now. How many other times have I been happy and not realised until later? Probably too many! I am so grateful to now realise this at the time, so I can truly appreciate everything I have! I encourage others to ask yourself, now, am I happy? If you are not - change something. If you are - embrace it! This is as good as it gets and this is good enough!

Some may be wondering - how can I be happy when I know there is so much wrong with the world? I am happy in spite of it. Those wrongs are there - and me being upset about them is not going to make them go away. I'm doing the things I can to work towards making some of them go away, and I'm enjoying all the wonderful things life has to offer at the same time. I have amazing friends, beautiful family, intriguing and lovely flatmates, a job that I love, a way of life that I enjoy, and a whole lot of other little details that combine to make me happy. I appreciate those things Right Now. I am an idealist so I realise there are many things that can be better - but in spite of those things I am incredibly grateful for where I am and how I am able to be here. I focus on the good while keeping the bad in mind as a safety measure. The balance feels right.

On that page, the next book I read was one I'd meant to read for years - Aldous Huxley's Brave New World. Another depressing but stirring book. The reason this book got me thinking further about happiness is that it poses the very question - what makes us happy? Are we happy with what we are conditioned to be happy with? Was I born and trained up as a Delta Minus so therefore I will be happy with a menial and meaningless job and limited personal freedoms? Was I born and trained up as an Alpha Plus so capable of questioning my lot in life and knowing it is even possible to question things? Is ignorance really bliss? Is it better - if you have the capacity to know - to choose not to, in order to be happy with your life? At last, for me, I think the answer is NO. A big resounding NO. We can know that there are many horrors in the world, and still be happy. There is no point feeling all the guilt and the shame of all of the problems, even those that we in part have contributed to. That will just depress us and paralyze us. There is plenty of point in seeing it for what it all is - a product of our conditioning and our positions in life - and working with it as best we can while appreciating what we do have that makes us individually fulfilled. I feel okay with knowing that I am incredibly privileged and am doing my best to appreciate that.

I don't want to look at myself deeper into the almost certainly dystopian future and realise I was once happy. I am happy to realise that now. I don't want to decide I can't be happy because the world has so many problems. I want to be happy anyway. I may as well feel it now - as now is all we have. xx

This video "Brené Brown at TEDxHouston" may, in part, explain why I am happy - better than this whole post.