A Confession

Warning: The following may be the biggest load of crap you have ever read. I am starting this piece having no idea what the content will be, or where it will end up. I don't even know what I intend to confess. I just feel like writing something honest, and self-deprecating.

I think what I might be trying to do is explore what the hell I think I am at the moment. First of all, I describe myself as a relief high school teacher. That is what I do with, on average, three days of my week. For the most part I enjoy it. It's actually a real slacker's dream. Yeah I'm calling myself a slacker - for a lot of the time it's what I feel like I am. I don't take on too much, and most of what I take on - I do quite casually. I spend most of my time thinking. I never get bored because there is always something to think about. Sometimes when you're talking to me, I will be thinking instead of listening. Sometimes when I'm in a classroom "teaching", what I am really doing is asking young people to give up what they want to do, and do something pointless instead. Some of them do it. I have a secret respect for the ones that don't. Then I talk to other teachers about their lack of doing - and I'm met with "oh well, it's up to them if they want to work". I sometimes feel like I could go into that classroom and do nothing, all day, every day, and never get fired. Of course, I won't do this. I actually want those young people to challenge themselves - because that's how we find out what we're capable of. I got through teachers' college - so I am probably capable of almost anything. I think most teachers want young people to look up from their clouded hormonal worlds and see that coasting is not the best way to find out what they really are. I think most people are more amazing than they have yet discovered.

I suspect this includes me. You know how people are afraid of failure? Well, I think I'm actually afraid of success. Why else would I put off writing up that grand Civics Education programme that's gonna get me hired by five Wellington schools to deliver classes on a weekly basis? You know, the one where young people learn not only how to participate in our society, but to question it, and even try to change it. Why haven't I written that yet? Partly it is because I am having a break after teacher's college - basically, if I don't want to do something, I'll stop doing it. I didn't want to do my uni papers - so I dropped out. I didn't want to keep getting paid to get petition signatures - so I stopped doing it. This is a great way to live. I'm just wondering why I am not doing all the things I want to do - like writing up that Civics Ed plan, or writing that book, or building that model house, or making those climate change leaflets from the perspective of every street-preaching religion so I have something to exchange with them...

I think I've lost my point. Ah yes, how can I expect students to want to do work that they see no relevance in doing, when I won't even do the things I do see relevance in? Why should I ask those young people not to do those silly things that most of us did that gave us character and taught us the lessons that made us what we are today? When television shows and movies and magazines have such a profound effect on these young people, how can what I do possibly make any difference? The only thing I can come up with, when thinking about it, is that I see through all the crap. I see what is going on most of the time so I will not lie to these young people and tell them to lead straight and narrow lives, or to buckle down and do that school work - because I know that most young people learn what they need to know when they get out and live. I also know that the systems we are preparing them for life in, are corrupt and made mostly of lies. I will never be a careers advisor. The employment skills classes I relieve for sometimes, are the most depressing wastes of time ever. They're not learning about real life by doing a wordfind.

I'm living - I'm having a great time. I'm being easy on myself and letting myself have a break. I'm making myself do new things when opportunities arise, and I'm opening myself up to new possibilities. I'm saying what I want and I'm meeting new people and making new friends. I'm in a new city. I really like my job. I am being a slacker and it's okay because I'm alive. This does not answer my question - you know, the one where I wonder why I'm not doing the things I want to get done - and I don't even know if that was the purpose of this post... I just think we need to let ourselves off the hook more often. The students are doing it - have we forgotten how? I also think if I write up that plan and get that programme in schools, I'll be a very busy woman - I don't know if I'm ready for that yet.

This post is unpostable - but I'm posting it anyway.