"Why can't we all just get along?" (Hereby known as WCWAJGA). I see this all the time online and hear it all the time in person. People don't usually explicitly say these words - but something to their effect. Why can't we all just get along?
It seems straightforward enough right? Let's forget our differences and move on and be nice humans because that all feels much nicer. No issues here. Smile and wave. Why are you not smiling and waving? Oh, you're going to continue to not smile and wave - okay - let me shut down this whole thing because it doesn't conform to the image I have of my nice bright shiny world-view. Now, on with my smiling and waving. Oh - so that person you were refusing to smile and wave at has just done something devastating to someone else, but let's just sweep that under the carpet - I'm not even sure if it's even true even. Anyway. I'm still not going to talk to you. You don't play nice.
Life doesn't play nice. There are inequities and oppressions all around us. There is cognitive dissonance ruling our governments and wallets and dinner plates and wardrobes and workplaces and, well, anywhere else you look. Things are nasty out there and in here. It may well feel better to block it all out - how else to we get through our day to day? I block things out all the time just to get through all the things I have to do in life. I focus on good things as much as I can. If you don't, you fall through the cracks and it can be very difficult to grab onto shards to climb back up. They cut as you grab. So, yes - wanting to focus on the good and trying to be decent human beings to one another is very very important. There is a lot of good to be celebrated. The trouble is that some people refuse to engage with the bad things, and go so far as to condemn those who do. That is actually one really good way to make life even worse and more dystopic than it already can be.
It often happens on the Wellington Vegans facebook page - someone posts some nice speech on why it's good to go vegan - I have no issues with this. It's uplifting and at the same time reaffirms our beliefs and makes us feel like the "right" ones. Everyone loves that right? And then someone comes along and points out that the speaker in the video is actually a bigot, or a misogynist, or an apologist/advocate of something abhorrent like sexual violence - and when I see that I am a little disappointed that a speaker with such great presence and great points has such a dodgy attitude in other areas, but I engage with it - because I understand that one speech does not a messiah make. I'm okay with knowing that a great speaker is also a great asshole - nothing new right? I can move on from this, and not think of that person in a good light anymore - no big deal. I don't need to hang on to them as a symbol of hope. Some people however, feel the need to jump down the throat of whoever the brave soul was that pointed out that this speaker has some very offensive and triggering views. Some people say things like "Oh come on! That was in the past! He's a great guy now." Cool story. Citation needed. When you say that people who eat meat/wear fur should have their family brutally violated - you're not a great guy. Especially when it was just last year that you made statements like this. Yet the person on the facebook thread who brought up these statements has now become the problem. The whistle blower is in the stocks. This is classic WCWAJGA. This happens all the time on the Wellington Vegans page - and it makes no sense to me, because we vegans are used to being the ones accused of breaking the peace by telling too many inconvenient truths. As it happens we do it to each other.
We can't all just get along because we all have different views. Those of us who bring up the nasty underbelly of the shiny things are not usually trying to bring people down - we are not trying to be mean to the people that still believe in the shiny things - we are trying to show another side to it so that people can make more informed decisions about what they subscribe to in life. The person in the above Wellington Vegans situation (of which there are many) is accused of being mean and "sniping" at other people in the thread because she points out that a guy who gave a good speech - who none of us even know personally - just happens to have very questionable views with regard to what it's okay to do to another human being for their beliefs. I find it incredibly frustrating that when I try to point out on this thread that my friend has not actually been mean - but has pointed out inconvenient and horrible truths - I am then accused of being one of the "snipers". We can't all just get along because some people refuse to acknowledge that there is even a problem in the first place and shoot any messengers that try to tell them otherwise. Your attitude of wanting us to all get along at the expense of robust discussion and important information sharing actually makes it harder to all get along. You wanting to keep your bubble safe actually makes the bubble we share far less safe - and not just for the rest of us - but for you too.
This happens in all communities, but it is particularly alarming and upsetting when it happens in activist communities. Discussion is shut down because it paints someone powerful in a bad light, or because it gets in the way of convenient arrangements, and then we might have to actually do something about it. This makes for unsafe spaces and is often the reason that some activists break off from these groups. The very action of shutting down a topic because it compromises the feeling of safety in the group - makes people leave the "safe" space, and often this means they become insular because they don't know anyone else who shares the views that their old group did - so they are alone in their views - in a very big scary world. These events are the Sex Ed of activist life. They are the climate change of domestic life. Why give condoms if you don't want people to have sex? Why openly agree with climate change if you have to try and do something about it? Well, this is the same attitude repeating itself - Why let people offer new information to make our space safer if you don't want to discuss that new information because it doesn't feel nice, and/or you might have to change something? Same attitude.
I am not suggesting that it is a good idea to be a constant downer on everything - nobody likes to be around someone who kills the buzz at every turn. I am suggesting, however, that it's not a good idea to turn a blind eye when something threatens to wipe some of the rose tint from your glasses. It's an even worse idea to kick the person with the glasses cleaner in the gut and tell them to shut up and stop being mean. Worse still, is then shutting the whole thing down altogether - taking the entire discussion off the table because you were so attached to the initial idea. If we all did that - nothing would change. Nobody would be safe. Nobody would feel okay pointing out any oppressions or crimes or even alarm bells. Some of us have to, because most of us are too scared to now - because of the self-policing nature of people in fear. The people who want to play nice are afraid, the people who point out why we can't just play nice are afraid. Safe bubble is no longer safe.
I believe we need to have these discussions. We need to take on more information and not attack those who share it with us. We need to listen to each other and understand that what feels safer for us to sweep under the carpet might actually make a space less safe for others. I would love us all to just get along - it's what's really in my nature as I hate conflict and I love people. I just see the need for conflicting views to be able come together in a safe space - if they can't. then people don't say what they mean and the status quo continues while the silent knowers among us watch the whole thing burn to the ground. Policing each other's views like that is actually keeping sexism, racism, speciesism, homophobia, xenophobia, fat-phobia, misogyny and a whole bunch of other ugly and insidious world-views alive and well. We have to have the hard discussions now to prevent the harder fall-out later. Otherwise we actively prove many a literary prediction. 1984 anyone?
This is how douchebags continue to get away with douchebaggery. This is why I won't just play nice.
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